3,333 days of marital celebacy

Tonight passes another (artificial) milestone symbolising my failure - it has been ...

3,333 days since my wife, Nina, and I last had sex.

3,333 days of me reflecting, every single day, on what a pathetic person I must be.

3,333 days of me seeing over and over again what a loser I must be for even suggesting or hinting at anything sexual with my wife

3,333 days of me feeling guilty for wanting intimate sexual relations with her.

3,333 days of me wishing we could somehow reboot our sexual relationship from scratch.

3,333 days of me reflecting on what a failure I must be for not being able to please her sexually.

3,333 days of me reflecting on her telling me that of course women enjoy sex, but then seeing that she doesn't enjoy it with me (ergo I must be really bad at it).

3,333 days of me conscious that she says it is about her needing her space and not liking to be touched, but not able to believe that it doesn't really say more about me.

3,333 days of me trying to balance thoughts of that if she cared about me then she'd like to in acts to please me ... and feeling equally guilty for such selfish thoughts.

3,333 days of me feeling some resentment when I'd asked to draw on her back - feeling like it is all give and no receiving, but knowing that any comment will prompt an angry response.

3,333 days of me wondering where I went wrong and wishing I had somehow learnt better about being in a relationship and pleasing my partner.

3,333 days of me feeling that I can't even look at my wife without her getting upset with or suspicious of me (if only I'd learnt how to look at a woman!).

3,333 days of increasing emptiness and loneliness - to the point that, if given another chance at an intimate sexual relationship, I'm not sure I'd know how to even start.

3,333 days of me seeing my life as totally worthless.

3,333 days of an eternity of pain and emptiness and feeling like I've proven myself again and again to be a pathetic loser ... as this post probably proves.

... and then I reflect that 3,333 days ago it was a 'sympathy fuck' because more than 2 years earlier when we were having sex, she told me just to hurry up and get it over and done with.

More than 14 years of marriage and the sex stopped after about the first 3 years ... and now I'm even blogging about it - how pathetic am I!!!

Watching the waves roll past

Nina's getting quite down again - I'm worried but don't know how to respond.

This morning while walking the dog, she talked about her fear about not being able to successfully complete the next unit as my family are planning a family holiday that will occur around the time one of her assignments is likely to be due.

This then rolled into her not liking the idea of going on family holidays, and then that my family was uncaring when it comes to the environment, consumerism, etc., and in particular as the now proposed holiday is to Borneo and that ecotourism isn't necessarily good (e.g. Orangutans may be harmed by it and would be better left along ... even though tourism potentially helps to save them). This then flowed to Antarctic tourism, and that if she went, it couldn't be as a tourist - it would have to be with a particular purpose as part of a scientific mission.

She then talked about how she'll be happy once I die (if I go before her) because she'll be able to withdraw from society and live and die alone (even though half her anguish is probably because she feels alone). She went on to say that she was going to cut-off all her friends as they only ever contact her when they want something ... but they spend much more time with their other friends ... and her "friends" have always done that to her.

She highlighted that once our puppy (who's now 5) dies, and if we don't have another dog, then that is when she will end it ... so in her words, she has 5-10 years left.

She went on to say that maybe she'll have a lot to drink and have a bath and 'see what happens'.

Oh, and yesterday, she was explosive while doing some painting ... indicating that she can't paint, she's a fraud, she doesn't even know why she's doing the course she's doing, that the course was the easiest one she could find to prove she could handle it, etc. Her fiery outbursts caused our puppy to climb up on me for security / comfort.

She's tried seeing a psychiatrist, but hasn't continued (and tends to hide half the terrors, I suspect), so I don't know how to help her ... indeed, I'm not sure I can.

I wish I knew how to respond to rants like this ... buy all I can do as I type this is let out a big sigh as I think about it.

I'd have made a good Dad ...

... if only I hadn't proven to be such a failure as a male of the species.

Happy Fathers' Day to me ... not.

RIP our beautiful girl

Our puppy breathed her last breath at 4am yesterday morning.

She lasted 2 years longer than her brother but ultimately her heart failed her, but unlike him, she died naturally at home with Nina and I watching over her.

At about 2:45 yesterday morning, we noticed that she was breathing shallowly and quickly, and after each giving her some attention, Nina got up and moved her to a chair and sat with her, and I quickly joined the two of them. Together, Nina and I gently stroked our little girl, giving her as much love as she could, and she just lay there receiving the fuss, but barely able to respond. Eventually, at almost exactly 4am, she rolled onto her side took her last breath and her heart stopped.

Having lost her sibling 2 years ago, we didn't really want to have to take our little girl to the vet for 'the green dream' - she never realy liked needles, and such a visit may have been traumatising for her for a final vet visit, so taking her last breaths peacefully at home was the best way that she could have gone out.

The night before she'd eaten a full dinner (being hand fed as she had more or less demanded for months), and after dinner enjoyed a dog treat ... and after we'd eaten our dinner, an additional few little pieces of lamb backstrap which she loved. For the rest of the night she sat on the couch with me as she did almost every night while I watched some TV - she first sat on my lap facing me as I paid her some attention, and then lay on my lap facing the TV while she got more fuss, before finally lying between me and our lab (who was about half her age) and again enjoying fuss.

As I write this Nina has just shown me a poem that has welled up some of the sorrow that I feel on her passing ... but Nina is taking it much harder - at different times of the day she feels the loss more - the emptiness, the passing of time - the anxiety of life and death.

Back to the night before she passed, after watching TV, I made her go outside for a drink (she drank so much water!) and then carried her up to our bedroom where she slept ... but she wanted to go up to Nina's studio (where she usually started the night), so I took her up the extra flight of stairs. When I left her there she looked at me as if to say 'well, aren't you going to stay' ... again as she always did.

During the night I heard her go outside a couple of times and since she has died have wondered if she struggled to get up the stairs one last time ... if that pushed her too far, and whether she used the last of her strength to be with us at the end.

I miss her so - I may not show it much or often, but at times it really catches me.

I am comforted by the fact that she had a good life, and that she got a chance to be her self a little more after her brother died (even though she may still have had to compete with our lab).

In the lead-up to Christmas this year (as she does every year), Nina has asked me several times what I want, and like every year, I respond in the same way by telling her quite sincerely that "all I want of Christmas is you" ... but she never seems to believe me. Anyway, here are the lyrics to Maria's song of that name:

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true oh
All I want for Christmas is you, you baby

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need, and I
Don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree

I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy

With a toy on Christmas day

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you, you baby

I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow, and I
I just wanna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe

I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake
To hear those magic reindeer click

'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Oh, Baby all I want for Christmas is you, you baby

All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air

And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need
Won't you please bring my baby to me quickly

I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just wanna see my baby
Standing right outside my door

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is you

All I want for Christmas is you, baby

Written by Mariah Carey, Walter Afanasieff • Copyright © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group

Taking things personally

As I was walking with Nina to see a movie today, we passed a nearby hotel. Nina sarcastically commented that we could stay there sometime, to which I replied that we could have a dirty weekend. Her response was 'yeah right, like that's going to happen'.
My response to that was 'thank you' - Nina asked why I said that, and then commented that she couldn't believe that I'd take that personally. All I could think was how could she be so ignorant / blind to think that I would take it any other way.
After the movie, as we were heading back home, Nina was commenting about something that someone else in the cinema had said before the movie - something that I didn't hear, and how she said something to me in response, but I hadn't heard the other comment, so didn't get her reference at the time. I commented about her expecting me to know what she was thinking, and to be hearing / focused on the same things that she was ... to which she said that anyone else that she would have gone to see a movie with would have been on the same wavelength as her. All I could think after that is another knife to the heart.

Some rough lines of verse

After getting to know you on the internet,

It was a joy when we first met

When I worried that I might me moving too slow,

At the end of the pier you kissed me under the moon glow

And when I shared my lack of experience and fear

You took my hand and held me near

Sexual experience had I none

Till the first time we went one-on-one

By the time our first joined bodies did part

You held the keys and the strings of my heart

When I shared my concern that women may see sex as a chore

You assured me nothing could be further from the truth and you'd always want more

One night I asked you to marry me

And you said yes, let it be

As the days approached when we were to be wed,

I felt as if you were withdrawing from me in our bed

But on the night of the day our vows were swore,

That was, I think, the best night for sure

However while I hoped for our honeymoon to be full of intimacy,

You just wanted to be left alone to read by the sea

And as you from intimacy did withdraw more and more,

I could only conclude it is because you found me such a bore

I feel I am a failure as a boy

Because I have obviously failed to bring you joy

An as a human I am a poor excuse for a man,

Because I can't bring you ecstasy - I have no plan

A failure more so because wish as much as I might,

I've proven I don't know how to bring you sexual delight

And although the drought has gone on for a decade now,

I still live in hope that one day it may be broken some how

I don't want you to fuck me because you pity me like an injured dove,

Rather I long for for us to join together in intimacy because we do each other love

Sadly, after I write this I will lay my head down to sleep,

And almost certainly will my heart, soul and mind quietly weep

I feel the failure, the emptiness the futility and the loss

But when it comes to our sex life, you are the boss

Sometimes I worry that sex for you was just a lure

So that control of my heart could you procure

So that by sharing with me your bed

Did you take control of the forces in my head

When I share with you my desires I am left feeling at fault

So I spend my days avoiding any hint of these longings so as not to assault

Yet do I every single day live in hope

That your answer to the unspoken wish will not be nope

Yet still when you have me draw on your back

Do my loins respond to the hope we may hit the sack

I truly wish that I could learn

What I could do to make your appetite burn

That I could find the switch to your desire

That would pull us together with the heat of a raging fire

Often I fantasise about you straddling my hips

With my cock being expertly dealt with between your pussy lips

Yet even in my dreams now it's so sad

That no intimacy is ever to be had

As the hope of even a dream tryst comes to the fore

It seems that you now always shut that door

I'm not demanding to have my way,

But really wish there could be some mutual play

I'd never expect or demand a shag every night,

As our abstinence for the last ten years for evidence could I cite

And I suspect that if we finally set out to again let some passion burn,

We'd have to start from scratch so we could finally the secrets of gifting pleasure learn

I still fear that by revealing these secrets I have kept hid with stealth,

That I may cause you anguish that's detrimental to your mental health

I should maybe keep silent and let things be

But that doesn't change the fact that I continue to desire more sexual intimacy

And it's true I must admit and confess

That it's absence has led me to share with you less

-------

They say that good things come to those who wait,

But I lament for my life that it may be far too late

When recently a funeral I did attend

I lamented that my life would not measure in the end

Day by day more of a failure do I feel,

That when I die I fear my epitaph those words will seal

And as on these thoughts my mind does dwell,

More and more do I feel like I'm in a living hell

When recently I returned from the U.K.

I wanted to hold you so near but knew what you'd say

I lamented that if I tried to have a pash,

You'd respond as if my throat you wanted to slash,

And if I suggested that we should fuck

I knew that you'd respond that I be out of luck

Sometimes I wonder if it's pregnancy you fear

And if that's the reason you don't hold me near

And that when menopause has past

You may pull me in close at last

And if again we have a chance I'll shiver

With the thought that I'll fail to deliver

I want to dispel any notion as false

That I want to treat you like a sex doll with a pulse

And while these lines tell just one aspect for me

That my life as a failure I truly do see

In bed at night I find it so sad

That instead of me you prefer a book or your iPad

And when a kiss it is I seek

You turn from me and offer your cheek

Sometimes I wonder if it's me you really can't stand

Especially as the times seem so rare that you even hold my hand

It seems sad to me that we can not enjoy

The fact that you're a girl and I'm a boy

Sometimes I fear that you used sex as a Tool

And sucked me in like an ignorant innocent fool

If we could rekindle our intimacy it would be great

But I fear that I may prove I'm not able to reciprocate

Intimacy for me is a way I measure

How much a couple does each other treasure

With the exception of a sympathy fuck

It's been ten years now since there's been any luck

You once told me kissing turned you on

And now I feel a failure that those days are gone