Thinking about "Passion"

I still don't have a clear answer to my homework from my last individual counselling session. As a recap, I was asked to observe other people who seemed to be passionate and work out what that meant.

Some quick initial observations are that the people I perceive to be passionate are ones who seem to have a sense of self-importance, narcissism, or arrogance about them - that they may put themselves and their needs above the needs of others ... but I am not sure that that is really it - I think this definition may be doing an injustice to those who seem to be passionate about things.

With further thinking, I have started to wonder if anyone really has passion, or if most people are just faking it and moving through life coping from one day to the next as best they can.

With confusion still reining, I decided to look to the internet for some inspiration, and did a Google for "how to have more passion for life". It found several responses, from sites that seemed to be a front for scientology to blogs and counsellors.

There were probably three that piqued my attention more than the rest in the first 5 or so pages of Google search outcomes:

• http://www.passionateheartultimatecollection.com/ was from a couple who offer a relationship counselling toolkit - the outcomes they spruik look inviting, and a follow-up Google of their name found pages of things that they have published, including a resource for helping couples to decide if they should stay together. Part of the purpose for Goggling them was also to see if there were any negative comments about their stuff - there were none in the first few pages, but these were predominantly filled with stuff they'd published - leading me to wonder if they were caring about the story they were selling, or just about selling their story.
• http://www.auslifecoaching.com/relationships/living_with_passion.html was a page written by a counsellor in Perth who noted that "Passion is energy, excitement, emotion and ultimately love." She went on to note that a life without excitement would be pretty dull, and a dull life feels like emptiness, a struggle and futility, and that people in this boat have lost the spark in their eye. She also says not to mistake passion for obsession, noting that "I know people who cannot do anything without overdoing - taking up a sport turns into a daily ritual that must be observed; a new friend must be contacted every other minute; a hobby must be accompanied by all the paraphernalia that comes with it." This is something that I can certainly associate with.
• http://www.alistercameron.com/2007/04/28/if-you-dont-have-passion-and-purpose-greater-productivity-wont-help-you/ is a blog by someone who seemed to be starting more from a financial / business perspective looking at success and goal setting and then showing that it isn't goal setting that is the driver for success, but rather is having a passion for what you do (though another article also pointed out that you need both passion and determination - http://betterlife-seeker.com/motivation/the-hidden-essence-of-passion-and-determination/ ). Near the start of the article, the author noted that, "Until you discover your "fire within" you will remain condemned to a life only endured, not lived; to delicacies only tasted, not devoured; to joys only imagined, not experienced. And in old age you will lament the days of your youth, when fears about money and security kept you from taking the leaps of faith and courage in the direction of your dreams." The author went on to talk about how left brain activities (like list making) do not inspire the identification of passion - rather that it has to come through other means. With his Christian focus, he had his solution that "giving Sabbath, Solitude and Simplicity will lead to Clarity, Courage and Conviction" and I could certainly identify with much of what he was saying.

So what does all this mean to me. Passion seems to be about finding the excitement and enjoyment in life - finding what drives you. For me, I feel like I have not lived with any passion in my life for almost as long as I can remember ... indeed, maybe longer! I feel like my life has been a progression of what seems logical to do next rather than what I feel compelled to do. The compulsions I have felt often seem to be fuelled out of a sense of doing what is right rather than feeling an undercurrent of excitement or enthusiasm. Indeed, I struggle to think of a single thing that I feel like I have done out of some strong passionate desire.

I can identify many things that I have done that have become habit or ritual - like dancing, SCUBA, my hobbies, and maybe even my holidays. That is not to say that they have never or don't ever give me any enjoyment, but just that I've often felt like I have been watching myself do something without any real emotion on or about the experience.

I made a comment in my last individual counselling session that maybe I am a bit of a sap - living off the enjoyment that I see in others rather than finding my own enjoyment - this seems to be another aspect of passion - that other people's passion can be felt by those around them - that I have none of my own may be why I find these experiences enjoyable.

It is also interesting to tie this conversation back to the theme of this blog - the hallmark of a sustainable life is that it is one lived without passion - that it is something that is almost endured, rather than enjoyed.

I don't know how to find my passion, but maybe the advice in third site above is a good start - take a rest from the worries and concerns that may preoccupy me, turn off from the noise and be with myself, and cull some of the clutter out of my life.

There is probably a heap more to say, but this is more than enough for now.

Relationship Counselling - Fifth Session - Further Reflection

Thinking about our last couple's session, I have wondered if there is any truth in what we were being told, and whether we would be better going our own way.

I have found myself questioning my motives for wanting to stay together - is it out of love, out of fear, or out of pride?

One thing that I clearly recognise is that I care for and about Nina - probably more that I can identify caring for and about anyone else.

Throughout the week, I have felt a bit like I have been under a burden - Saturday morning has continued to weigh on my mind.

Thinking back to Saturday, I have also wondered whether my perception of the flow of events true to what really happened. One of the things that I think about is that our counsellor mentioned that there are two reasons that people stick with / commit to someone - one is out of conviction / desire, and the other is out of a sense of duty or fear or something similar (I have forgotten the two words she used) - at the time I noted that these two were not exactly separate - that one could stay out of a sense of care because there was a background fear for the wellbeing of the other if you were to part. Thinking about this some more, this is still care ... but where does the reason for the care change for being love to being duty?

Relationship Counselling - Fifth Session - Fallout

For the rest of the day after our last session, I felt kind-of numb - like I'd been kicked in the guts. Nina wrote a letter to our counsellor that night sharing some of her background, highlighting that we wanted to stay together and indicating that she would do the Women managing Anger course - but noting that she wouldn't be able to attend every session due to a prior commitment.

The next day we visited Nina's brother and his wife and ended up discussing this with them - her sister-in-law was quite surprised at the outcomes and could also see that we were quite upset by it.

On Monday morning before going to work, I quickly penned an email to our counsellor (knowing that I'd be thinking about it all day if I didn't). The email was as follows:

I know that Nina has already written to you, but I felt compelled to also write.

I walked out of Saturday's session feeling like I had just been kicked in the guts - indeed, while I felt that way for the rest of the day, I was blindsided / stunned by what happened at the end of our session.

Nina and I have sought out counseling because we want to make our relationship work and to make it better. On Saturday at the end of our session, and with a few quick questions in the form of a list on a post-it note, it felt like you were telling us that we didn't have a hope and that we should set about ending things. If we wanted to give up that easily, we'd never have bothered coming to counseling in the first place.

It also felt like you were making an ultimatum to Nina - that if she didn't do the Women managing Anger course, then you would take it to mean that we wanted to end our marriage. While she seems happy to do this course, and seems to agree that it would be a good thing, it seemed a little extreme to frame it as an either or option.
The values questions that you asked were very quick, off the cuff, and without necessarily a clear common definition of what each might mean (as evidenced by my choosing to lump some of them together). Given you seemed to have placed a lot of evidence on this exercise in the very sudden doom saying of our marriage, and given my logical approach to things, I thought I'd have another look at the numbers. The attached graph shows these results (Blue = me, Red = Nina).

{Graph not uploaded}

Yes, there is some difference in the first and third items - which I rated lower (4th) or not at all, but apart from those, there is a relative degree of alignment between the values we mooted. You may be right, in the long term these differences might pull us further apart (especially if left unchecked), but as you also noted, awareness of these can also help to enable us to understand and manage our differences (maybe we can even leverage off them). [PS I didn't rate education, but by my deeds, I have shown it to be important - completing a part-time MBA while working full time ... just before I met Nina.]

I noted from our previous session, and your strong response to the question that Nina's mother raised about leaving her dad that you have a very strong view about contempt being shown by one person towards another, and wonder how much what came out on Saturday around this may have influenced the turn at the end of our session (thus the ultimatum about the Women in anger course). You may have noticed that the way I deal with Nina when she is angry is to (effectively) walk away until she calms down - yes, I hear and listen, but I don't respond and usually get an apology a while later.

In our second session, we discussed that Nina suffers from depression, and noted some of the things that we'd done to try to address that - including a weekly personal trainer session. At the time you were going to look into someone who may be able to help (noting the comments we made about psychiatrists who just want to experiment with the next fad drug) - I think you mentioned something about "body work", but don't know what that means, and don't believe that we've heard anything since. While Nina may resist seeing someone, so long as she feels the environment is safe, she may give such a practitioner a go (given her observations with her mother, her experiences of a short trial of Zoloft, and probably some discussions with academics in her career, she doesn't see drug pushing psychiatrists or mental hospitals as safe). I raise this again because one of the things I often wonder is how Nina can be happy with anything if she is unhappy with or hates herself - just about every pop-psychology book makes the assertion that if you don't love yourself, you can't love others or allow them to love you. They also say that depression kills intimacy.

After Saturday's session, both Nina and I reaffirmed our commitment to each other and that we wanted to stay together. Our purpose in coming to counseling was and still is to help us to work through and understand our differences, learn how to manage them, and give ourselves better tools to help move our relationship from the downhill slope it is on to be something that is more positive and enduring for both of us.

I don't make the above comment in blind stubbornness - I love Nina, and as such I care about her - indeed, I care about her to the degree that if she seriously feels (not in a moment of anger, but with a clear head and honest heart) that her life would be better without me, then I would lovingly give her that freedom ... regardless of how lonely or empty it may leave me feeling. But this is something that she must come to herself, not a corner that she feels she's been backed into in a moment of haste.

Anyway, I felt I needed to get the above off my chest - and while I have done so in a little bit of a rush (spending about an hour on this before heading off to work), I have attempted to do it with some reflection and a clear head, which I wouldn't have been able to do on Saturday.

When she read this message, Nina indicated that she thought I sounded like I was angry - this was certainly not my attempt (but was probably a result of me still being upset, and also trying to write it before heading off to work). She also suggested that it sounded like I was sticking up for her.

We have since not heard anything back from our counsellor from either mine or Nina's emails, and I am a little worried that she may have taken offence at what I have written ... I have been thinking of writing to her sharing Nina's observations and highlighting that I wasn't trying to be aggressive or angry.

Both Nina and I are happy with our counsellor and would like to stick with her.

Relationship Counselling - Fifth Session

At the start of our session, our counsellor reflected on our previous session, and was particularly drawn to comment on the song that I thought of when asked to recall a book or movie that had meaning - I then proceeded to lose her by justifying and rationalising why I chose the song I did or rather why I didn't choose a movie or book.

We also discussed some conflict that we had this morning - conflict that our counsellor thought sounded like Nina was showing contempt towards me. As we proceeded through the session, we were asked to rate various statements about how we handle conflict, etc. Our counsellor also discussed the two reasons why people stay together - out of a willingness and desire to be together and out of some sort of obligation (I have forgotten exactly the "stay together" term and the terminology that she used for the two reasons - but this was the gist of it). I, of course, noted that these reasons may also be related.

Towards the end of our session this week, our counsellor wrote down a list of values and individually asked each of us to put them in some sort of priority order.

It seemed that after this, and because of the differences that existed between Nina & myself in the answers, that she determined that we should look at ending our marriage. It seemed like she gave Nina an ultimatum that if she didn't go to the Women managing Anger course, then she would take it to mean that we wanted to end our marriage.

I walked out of there feeling empty and a little numb. Neither of us said anything as we walked to our car. When we got in Nina was crying and said that she didn't want us to separate. I was also teary (but a little more controlled) and said the same ... I suggested that we discuss it - but wait till we got home - I knew that if I kept the conversation going there and then, then I would not be able to drive home through a veil of tears.

When we got home, Nina and I sat and chatted for a while - we started counselling to help us get the tools to strengthen our marriage, not to find a way of ending it. We were both surprised at our counsellor's response, and both affirmed that we wanted to work to improve our relationship.

Nina also indicated that she thought that the workshop would be valuable for her regardless of anything else.

Individual Counselling - Second Session

During this morning's session, we discussed needing to find more passion (aggressive assertiveness) in my behaviour. This came out of our previous couple's session.

We also talked about trust issues and that I seemed to have difficulty trusting.

One of the comments that also came up was about keeping a journal and how doing so can end up as a relationship in its own right (I have kept a diary in the past). The risk with blogs is similar.

I was also told that in starting these sessions, my counsellor was tole that I had some family issues that might be worth working through.

I was given some homework to look at where I see passion in others and what it means / looks like.

Relationship Counselling - Fourth Session

This is written about three weeks after the event, so the details are a little vague ...

One thing that our counsellor asked today was for each of us to nominate a favourite movie or book. Nina nominated Jane Eyre, and I nominated the song Lemon Tree.

One of the issues that came up today was about contempt and it became very clear that our counsellor considers it almost a cardinal sin. This came up because of a conversation Nina had about her parents and whether the way their relationship was was sufficient reason for them to split up.

We were given some reading on "The Primal Wound" that talked about babies separated from their parents at birth and how this affects them - this is also particularly relevant for Nina's mother (who was adopted), and also for Nina, who had her mother disappear into hospital for some extended stays when she was young.

We were also given some reading on relationships - blockers, things to make them better, etc.

At the end of the session, I mentioned not being sure what I was trying to achieve in the individual sessions, and noted that one of the things was to be more aggressive - not in a bad way - the better word that was suggested was to be more passionate.

Boredom and Colour in our Relationship

Received phone call from RAV Counsellor at 8:45am this morning – she related some of the observations from last week

• Sense of Nina pushing away
  
• Me not interested when I say "don't know"
  
• Breadth vs depth (Nina has greater breadth, with me having greater depth - very complimentary)
  
• Noted that I plan with contingencies – for instance around Nina's 5 year limit
  
• My feeling of walking on egg shells
  
• No shared marriage identity
  
• Boredom featured in Nina's comments - boredom and restlessness
  
• From the Intelligent Emotion book, there was a section on Boredom
  
  • Boredom is related to not living in the present
    
  • Boredom is equivalent to apathy
    
  • Feelings give colour to life
    
  • Boredom is a desire for desires
    
• Nina's comments than nobody was listening
  
• Nina's comments on feeling like an outsider
  
• Nina saying that she wished she was a boy - interesting to ask / think about why
  
• Thought for discussion - how can we add more colour to our relationship
  
  • What colours are presently there?
    

Individual Counselling - First Session

One of the outcomes from our relationship counselling was that our conusellor thought that it would be worthwhile for me to have some individual counselling sessions. To this end, she managed to book me in with one of the other counsellors there.

In my first session with this counsellor, we went through a bit of a get-to-know you process. I admitted to not beig sure how individual sessions might help me, and noted that I had felt a little like the focus had been too much on me, but also commented that I was open to these individual sessions.

One of the key things that I need to think about in relation to these sessions is what I want to achieve through them - this is something that I hadn't really considered before going to this session (as perhaps I was too fixated, privately at least, on wondering why the focus had been so much on me).

The counsellor was someone who, like our couples' counsellor, I was comfortable talking with. She was also at pains to note that they didn't share otes or files between our two sessions.

One thing that she felt particularly moved by was from my emails to the other counsellor (which I said could be shared) about the sense of abandonment that I must have felt - both as a baby (the story of my parents noting that I stopped crying as they approached) and as a twelve year old (family moving overseas and intending to leave me behind).

We agreed that we'd have another couple of sessions and then assess where we were going.

Relationship Counselling - Third Session

Although I am dating this to be for the time of our session, this entry is being written about a week later.

Rather than trying to remember what was discussed, I'll refer back to the phone call that was received the nest week - where our counsellor noted some thoughts from the last session.

Some key themes seemed to be around boredom, Nina not feeling like she was being heard, and of us effectively living separate lives together.

For future reference, I must remember to write something sooner after the sessions.

Nina felt a lot more positive after this session than she did after last week's.

Relationship Counselling - Second Session

Our second session of relationship counselling continued where the first left off.

As part of the recap from the previous session, it was noted that there was a theme of guilt and of lonliness - to this end, we were given some reading to do out of the book "Intelligent Emotions".

The focus seemed to largely be on me, and one of the outcomes that was suggested by our counsellor was that I should perhaps have some individual sessions. I agreed that if that was appropriate, I would be open to it.

To this point, Nina had been very positive and together - and had really only shown her public face.

I decided that it was time to share some of my other concerns, so I mentioned concerns around Nina's depression and occasional suicidal comments / thoughts. This forced her to open up about these issues a little more and one of the suggestions that was made was that she also get some individual help - perhaps something like Gestalt therapy.

During these discussions, I admitted to having contacted my employer's EAP service to seek their advice last year, and noted that one of their suggestions was that if we could get some couples counselling, then I should take that opportunity. In other words, this was a way for me to perhaps surreptitiously get some help for Nina.

At the end of the session, I was asked what I wanted - I said that there were two key things - absolutely I felt that our relationship needed some help, and I wanted to do what I could to continue to progress that, but additionally, I was concerned about Nina, and if we could get some help for that, then that was also a priority.

Our counsellor could tell that I was genuine in my concerns and care and she pointed out that my eyes were not entirely dry (though I had managed to avoid tears).

At the conclusion of the session, our counsellor said that she'd organise some individual sessions for me with another counsellor there, and would also follow up to see if she could find someone to help Nina.

After the session, Nina was not as positive or happy as whe was after our first session - I think she didn't like having the focus put onto her (or being ambushed as I had done).

Relationship Counselling – first session

We have had our first session of relationship counselling this weekend.

Our Counsellor seems like a lovely person, and is very easy to talk with. Most important is that Nina is also comfortable with her.

Today we talked a little about ourselves, our families, and so on. I have some homework to write her an email about a timeline of my life – my memories of how I grew up.

She also suggested a couple of books – “Families & How to Survive Them”, and “Schopenhauer's Porcupine”.

Our next session wil not be until after Easter,

Finding Space

I have just finished watching an episode of a show on TV called "Brat Camp" about sending troubled UK girls off to a camp somewhere in the wilderness of the USA until they work through their behavioural problems, and, putting it nicely, grow up.

Anyway, in this particular episode three of the girls graduated to the next level, and as part of that graduation they had to spend a period of time on "Solo" - alone in the wilderness with nobody to talk to and nothing to do.

This solo part reminded me of when I went on an Outward Bound course many, many (many!!!) years ago.

The solo part also made me think about my own life and how I never escape from the busy-ness of it all - even when I am bored and not doing anything, I am still surrounded by noise and don't really take time just to stop (instead I think of what I should be doing).

I wanted to go on another Outward Bound camp.

I even looked up local Outward Bound courses - maybe that will be a holiday escape for me one day ... if it was just me, I'd probably have just signed up tonight! (I know Nina will ask why I didn't - and the answer is because it isn't just me.)

Finding space just to be - space with no distractions, space with no noises, space with nothing else that you might do - that is something that seems so rare today.