Thinking about "Passion"

I still don't have a clear answer to my homework from my last individual counselling session. As a recap, I was asked to observe other people who seemed to be passionate and work out what that meant.

Some quick initial observations are that the people I perceive to be passionate are ones who seem to have a sense of self-importance, narcissism, or arrogance about them - that they may put themselves and their needs above the needs of others ... but I am not sure that that is really it - I think this definition may be doing an injustice to those who seem to be passionate about things.

With further thinking, I have started to wonder if anyone really has passion, or if most people are just faking it and moving through life coping from one day to the next as best they can.

With confusion still reining, I decided to look to the internet for some inspiration, and did a Google for "how to have more passion for life". It found several responses, from sites that seemed to be a front for scientology to blogs and counsellors.

There were probably three that piqued my attention more than the rest in the first 5 or so pages of Google search outcomes:

• http://www.passionateheartultimatecollection.com/ was from a couple who offer a relationship counselling toolkit - the outcomes they spruik look inviting, and a follow-up Google of their name found pages of things that they have published, including a resource for helping couples to decide if they should stay together. Part of the purpose for Goggling them was also to see if there were any negative comments about their stuff - there were none in the first few pages, but these were predominantly filled with stuff they'd published - leading me to wonder if they were caring about the story they were selling, or just about selling their story.
• http://www.auslifecoaching.com/relationships/living_with_passion.html was a page written by a counsellor in Perth who noted that "Passion is energy, excitement, emotion and ultimately love." She went on to note that a life without excitement would be pretty dull, and a dull life feels like emptiness, a struggle and futility, and that people in this boat have lost the spark in their eye. She also says not to mistake passion for obsession, noting that "I know people who cannot do anything without overdoing - taking up a sport turns into a daily ritual that must be observed; a new friend must be contacted every other minute; a hobby must be accompanied by all the paraphernalia that comes with it." This is something that I can certainly associate with.
• http://www.alistercameron.com/2007/04/28/if-you-dont-have-passion-and-purpose-greater-productivity-wont-help-you/ is a blog by someone who seemed to be starting more from a financial / business perspective looking at success and goal setting and then showing that it isn't goal setting that is the driver for success, but rather is having a passion for what you do (though another article also pointed out that you need both passion and determination - http://betterlife-seeker.com/motivation/the-hidden-essence-of-passion-and-determination/ ). Near the start of the article, the author noted that, "Until you discover your "fire within" you will remain condemned to a life only endured, not lived; to delicacies only tasted, not devoured; to joys only imagined, not experienced. And in old age you will lament the days of your youth, when fears about money and security kept you from taking the leaps of faith and courage in the direction of your dreams." The author went on to talk about how left brain activities (like list making) do not inspire the identification of passion - rather that it has to come through other means. With his Christian focus, he had his solution that "giving Sabbath, Solitude and Simplicity will lead to Clarity, Courage and Conviction" and I could certainly identify with much of what he was saying.

So what does all this mean to me. Passion seems to be about finding the excitement and enjoyment in life - finding what drives you. For me, I feel like I have not lived with any passion in my life for almost as long as I can remember ... indeed, maybe longer! I feel like my life has been a progression of what seems logical to do next rather than what I feel compelled to do. The compulsions I have felt often seem to be fuelled out of a sense of doing what is right rather than feeling an undercurrent of excitement or enthusiasm. Indeed, I struggle to think of a single thing that I feel like I have done out of some strong passionate desire.

I can identify many things that I have done that have become habit or ritual - like dancing, SCUBA, my hobbies, and maybe even my holidays. That is not to say that they have never or don't ever give me any enjoyment, but just that I've often felt like I have been watching myself do something without any real emotion on or about the experience.

I made a comment in my last individual counselling session that maybe I am a bit of a sap - living off the enjoyment that I see in others rather than finding my own enjoyment - this seems to be another aspect of passion - that other people's passion can be felt by those around them - that I have none of my own may be why I find these experiences enjoyable.

It is also interesting to tie this conversation back to the theme of this blog - the hallmark of a sustainable life is that it is one lived without passion - that it is something that is almost endured, rather than enjoyed.

I don't know how to find my passion, but maybe the advice in third site above is a good start - take a rest from the worries and concerns that may preoccupy me, turn off from the noise and be with myself, and cull some of the clutter out of my life.

There is probably a heap more to say, but this is more than enough for now.

Relationship Counselling - Fifth Session - Further Reflection

Thinking about our last couple's session, I have wondered if there is any truth in what we were being told, and whether we would be better going our own way.

I have found myself questioning my motives for wanting to stay together - is it out of love, out of fear, or out of pride?

One thing that I clearly recognise is that I care for and about Nina - probably more that I can identify caring for and about anyone else.

Throughout the week, I have felt a bit like I have been under a burden - Saturday morning has continued to weigh on my mind.

Thinking back to Saturday, I have also wondered whether my perception of the flow of events true to what really happened. One of the things that I think about is that our counsellor mentioned that there are two reasons that people stick with / commit to someone - one is out of conviction / desire, and the other is out of a sense of duty or fear or something similar (I have forgotten the two words she used) - at the time I noted that these two were not exactly separate - that one could stay out of a sense of care because there was a background fear for the wellbeing of the other if you were to part. Thinking about this some more, this is still care ... but where does the reason for the care change for being love to being duty?

Relationship Counselling - Fifth Session - Fallout

For the rest of the day after our last session, I felt kind-of numb - like I'd been kicked in the guts. Nina wrote a letter to our counsellor that night sharing some of her background, highlighting that we wanted to stay together and indicating that she would do the Women managing Anger course - but noting that she wouldn't be able to attend every session due to a prior commitment.

The next day we visited Nina's brother and his wife and ended up discussing this with them - her sister-in-law was quite surprised at the outcomes and could also see that we were quite upset by it.

On Monday morning before going to work, I quickly penned an email to our counsellor (knowing that I'd be thinking about it all day if I didn't). The email was as follows:

I know that Nina has already written to you, but I felt compelled to also write.

I walked out of Saturday's session feeling like I had just been kicked in the guts - indeed, while I felt that way for the rest of the day, I was blindsided / stunned by what happened at the end of our session.

Nina and I have sought out counseling because we want to make our relationship work and to make it better. On Saturday at the end of our session, and with a few quick questions in the form of a list on a post-it note, it felt like you were telling us that we didn't have a hope and that we should set about ending things. If we wanted to give up that easily, we'd never have bothered coming to counseling in the first place.

It also felt like you were making an ultimatum to Nina - that if she didn't do the Women managing Anger course, then you would take it to mean that we wanted to end our marriage. While she seems happy to do this course, and seems to agree that it would be a good thing, it seemed a little extreme to frame it as an either or option.
The values questions that you asked were very quick, off the cuff, and without necessarily a clear common definition of what each might mean (as evidenced by my choosing to lump some of them together). Given you seemed to have placed a lot of evidence on this exercise in the very sudden doom saying of our marriage, and given my logical approach to things, I thought I'd have another look at the numbers. The attached graph shows these results (Blue = me, Red = Nina).

{Graph not uploaded}

Yes, there is some difference in the first and third items - which I rated lower (4th) or not at all, but apart from those, there is a relative degree of alignment between the values we mooted. You may be right, in the long term these differences might pull us further apart (especially if left unchecked), but as you also noted, awareness of these can also help to enable us to understand and manage our differences (maybe we can even leverage off them). [PS I didn't rate education, but by my deeds, I have shown it to be important - completing a part-time MBA while working full time ... just before I met Nina.]

I noted from our previous session, and your strong response to the question that Nina's mother raised about leaving her dad that you have a very strong view about contempt being shown by one person towards another, and wonder how much what came out on Saturday around this may have influenced the turn at the end of our session (thus the ultimatum about the Women in anger course). You may have noticed that the way I deal with Nina when she is angry is to (effectively) walk away until she calms down - yes, I hear and listen, but I don't respond and usually get an apology a while later.

In our second session, we discussed that Nina suffers from depression, and noted some of the things that we'd done to try to address that - including a weekly personal trainer session. At the time you were going to look into someone who may be able to help (noting the comments we made about psychiatrists who just want to experiment with the next fad drug) - I think you mentioned something about "body work", but don't know what that means, and don't believe that we've heard anything since. While Nina may resist seeing someone, so long as she feels the environment is safe, she may give such a practitioner a go (given her observations with her mother, her experiences of a short trial of Zoloft, and probably some discussions with academics in her career, she doesn't see drug pushing psychiatrists or mental hospitals as safe). I raise this again because one of the things I often wonder is how Nina can be happy with anything if she is unhappy with or hates herself - just about every pop-psychology book makes the assertion that if you don't love yourself, you can't love others or allow them to love you. They also say that depression kills intimacy.

After Saturday's session, both Nina and I reaffirmed our commitment to each other and that we wanted to stay together. Our purpose in coming to counseling was and still is to help us to work through and understand our differences, learn how to manage them, and give ourselves better tools to help move our relationship from the downhill slope it is on to be something that is more positive and enduring for both of us.

I don't make the above comment in blind stubbornness - I love Nina, and as such I care about her - indeed, I care about her to the degree that if she seriously feels (not in a moment of anger, but with a clear head and honest heart) that her life would be better without me, then I would lovingly give her that freedom ... regardless of how lonely or empty it may leave me feeling. But this is something that she must come to herself, not a corner that she feels she's been backed into in a moment of haste.

Anyway, I felt I needed to get the above off my chest - and while I have done so in a little bit of a rush (spending about an hour on this before heading off to work), I have attempted to do it with some reflection and a clear head, which I wouldn't have been able to do on Saturday.

When she read this message, Nina indicated that she thought I sounded like I was angry - this was certainly not my attempt (but was probably a result of me still being upset, and also trying to write it before heading off to work). She also suggested that it sounded like I was sticking up for her.

We have since not heard anything back from our counsellor from either mine or Nina's emails, and I am a little worried that she may have taken offence at what I have written ... I have been thinking of writing to her sharing Nina's observations and highlighting that I wasn't trying to be aggressive or angry.

Both Nina and I are happy with our counsellor and would like to stick with her.

Relationship Counselling - Fifth Session

At the start of our session, our counsellor reflected on our previous session, and was particularly drawn to comment on the song that I thought of when asked to recall a book or movie that had meaning - I then proceeded to lose her by justifying and rationalising why I chose the song I did or rather why I didn't choose a movie or book.

We also discussed some conflict that we had this morning - conflict that our counsellor thought sounded like Nina was showing contempt towards me. As we proceeded through the session, we were asked to rate various statements about how we handle conflict, etc. Our counsellor also discussed the two reasons why people stay together - out of a willingness and desire to be together and out of some sort of obligation (I have forgotten exactly the "stay together" term and the terminology that she used for the two reasons - but this was the gist of it). I, of course, noted that these reasons may also be related.

Towards the end of our session this week, our counsellor wrote down a list of values and individually asked each of us to put them in some sort of priority order.

It seemed that after this, and because of the differences that existed between Nina & myself in the answers, that she determined that we should look at ending our marriage. It seemed like she gave Nina an ultimatum that if she didn't go to the Women managing Anger course, then she would take it to mean that we wanted to end our marriage.

I walked out of there feeling empty and a little numb. Neither of us said anything as we walked to our car. When we got in Nina was crying and said that she didn't want us to separate. I was also teary (but a little more controlled) and said the same ... I suggested that we discuss it - but wait till we got home - I knew that if I kept the conversation going there and then, then I would not be able to drive home through a veil of tears.

When we got home, Nina and I sat and chatted for a while - we started counselling to help us get the tools to strengthen our marriage, not to find a way of ending it. We were both surprised at our counsellor's response, and both affirmed that we wanted to work to improve our relationship.

Nina also indicated that she thought that the workshop would be valuable for her regardless of anything else.