I love Nina - I truly do. I care for her and about her and it feels so natural and right to be around her.
This feeling and caring makes this next statement so much harder to write - sometimes I feel like she is selfish, self-centred.
Part of my reason for saying this is that today I celebrate two years of married celibacy ... and this is not by choice.
I long for intimacy, and being married, I long for it with my beautiful wife, Nina. But her response to me often leaves me feeling like I'm less attractive to her than a pile of shit in the gutter.
I feel like I am some sleazy and dirty old man for wanting to "make love to" my wife (she even cringes at the use of this term). I feel like I am in the wrong to desire to pash and have sex with her - like I am wanting to commit some sort of mortal sin or heinous crime.
Leading up to my birthday and Christmas (and perhaps our anniversary) she commonly asks me what gift I want. When I suggest that I just want her, she dismisses that - so no, I haven't even had sex with Nina on my birthday for at least the last four of my birthdays - am I wrong for feeling like this is not right?
I have previously made reference to a quote from a book, "If sex is mutual, when both people want it, that's wonderful. If one partner wants sex and the other doesn't but offers it as a gift, that too is pretty darned good. But when one person complains or begrudgingly complies, that makes the other feel like a thief, as if they had stolen something that was not rightfully theirs." Well, two years ago today I felt like a thief - I had what has remained undoubtedly the most memorable sex of my life - and for all the wrong reasons. I have been haunted by this memory for the last two years and would have been better off if I was fucking a corpse. I asked her at the time if she wanted me to stop and she said something along the lines of "no, just get it over with" - in hindsight, I should have stopped. What a fantastic last memory of sex!
I want to have marital relations with my wife and I want them to be mutual, or at least given with love and respect and kindness. This is not something I want to force on her. It is not something that I want to steal. It is not something I ever want to look elsewhere for (not that I think I ever could - if I did, I'd probably feel even worse).
And what is her view? Well, when we met and started going out, she seemed to take great pleasure and delight in introducing me to the delights of sexual intimacy and pashing. Around the time we got married, things were getting a little slower, but we still had a reasonable sex life. Our honeymoon, however, was not a stream of steamy nights in a tropical paradise, and after about 18 months of marriage I noticed that there seemed to be such a drought that I started making a note when we had sex (along with noting other aspects of her moods, migraines and depression).
So, when we started going out, she enjoyed it and wanted to do it ... perhaps to corrupt me, but now she can't even stand the thought of it. She says that it is not me, it is her - that she is not turned on (by me or anyone else), and that the same thing has happened in all her relationships. But she then goes on to tell me that she's not attracted to me - that I don't do it for her - that she's never been attracted to me.
Talk about a kick in the guts. Should I believe her - does she really hate me that much? At that moment it seems she does, but then later she apologises for and seems to recant those statements.
We've been to counselling and when push comes to shove, we fight for each other rather than against. We seem to both want this relationship to work most of the time, but sometimes Nina pulls away and wants to be free. At those times, I always tell her that if she truly doesn't want to be married, then I care enough about her that I won't stop her from ending our relationship.
As I say, I truly care about Nina, but am feeling betrayed and neglected and am feeling guilty for feeling that. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with us? How do we make things better? Is it wrong for me to want things to change?
Saturday, 26 September 2009
Saturday, 28 February 2009
Failure and Inspiration
This blog is titled "Beyond Sustainable" because that is what I am aspiring to be within myself - to live a life that is not just sustainable, but at the moment I feel like my life is becoming less sustainable rather than beyond sustainable. This is because I feel like a failure at life ... at everything in life.
I have been going to write about this for a while, but just haven't gotten around to it.
Why do I feel like a failure, and what do I feel like I'm a failure at?
I feel like I am a failure at my career, at my relationships, at romance, at sex, at family, at being an adult, at friendships, and at recreation ... in short, at life. The only thing I am not a failure at is continuing to survive, but as I have also hinted, I feel like I am moving backward there.
In my job, I perform OK, but don't jump out of bed every morning in eagerness of the day at work. I perform my job well, and I guess I have been moderately successful / fortunate in my career, but I don't see myself or what I do as outstanding - indeed, I feel quite un-extraordinary and anonymous in what I do. This has been amplified over about the last year as, for me at least, things have been relatively quiet (and for long periods of time, I've had nothing worthwhile to do). Even now, since I've been given some things to do, I don't feel that they are keeping me fully occupied, and am having difficulty getting motivated. I also measure myself against others professionally, and feel I don't have the same success as them, nor the depth of knowledge or skills. At best, I feel mediocre - and that makes me feel like a failure - like a nobody.
I was always a shy boy when I grew up, and was petrified at the thought of asking out a girl - arguably a typical shy awkward boy, but one who was further hamstrung by voices that told him that as everyone knew boys only wanted one thing from girls (sex), and girls didn't want that from boys. In a partner, I wanted someone I could enjoy the company of - yes, sex would be part of the picture, but not initially, and it would only ever be just a part of it. Anyway, I was always too scared to ask out girls, and when I did, I only seemed to be able to keep them as friends - I never felt comfortable taking liberties such as trying to kiss them, which they then assumed meant that I wasn't interested in them. So I was always felt like a failure at relationships. Indeed, I don't think I've ever felt unrivalled passion and lust that I've let loose with. I also feel like I have missed out on a large and important of life and living and growing up and learning by not having experienced this.
Romance is really a continuation of relationships, and a reflection on the limited experience and success I had at this when I was in my late teens and 20's (and 30's). My feeling of being a failure at romance also relates to my marriage and the feeling not only that there is no romance in our relationship, but also that I don't know how to change that, and that I feel like I am the reason that Nina seems to be turned off by any form or romantic gesture. I may be a romantic at heart, but I am obviously a failure at romance.
Sex - what is that? I have never been an over-sexed person, have always been quite embarrassed by the subject (the anonymous nature of this blog allows me to be more open), and have never been good at asking for it. In my marriage, I am not sure if it is sadder that I haven't had sex in the last 522 days, that I've masturbated about 131 times since then, or that I am able to quote these numbers with some form of certainty. When we got together, I was more the one who went along the ride in terms of our sex life (but I did enjoy the ride). Now I feel that it is my fault that Nina is against even the hint of sex. I am also haunted by the last time (and indeed many of the last few times) we shagged - Nina was clearly not enjoying the experience, and I was left feeling dirty because of it. It is interesting that I am writing this today - after I started this entry I read an article in the newspaper, and one bit stood out, and I'll relate it here, "If sex is mutual, when both people want it, that's wonderful. If one partner wants sex and the other doesn't but offers it as a gift, that too is pretty darned good. But when one person complains or begrudgingly complies, that makes the other feel like a thief, as if they had stolen something that was not rightfully theirs." I felt like I was in the wrong last time we had sex ... even though when I offered to stop - I was told, almost angrily, to keep going ... effectively to hurry up and get it over with - and in the end I felt like shit. I don't turn my wife on, and it seems like I turn her off - that makes me an absolute failure at sex. To add insult to injury, to emphasise how much Nina seems to despise shagging me, I haven't been offered the gift of sex on any of at least my last three (being pessimistic, but realistic, that is soon to be four) birthdays.
Families - Nina and I have occasionally talked around the subject of children - she is increasingly adamant that she doesn't want any, and compounded my feelings of failure here by commenting once that if married to some men she might feel like she wanted to have children, but I didn't fall into that category - talk about a kick in the guts. Me, do I want children? Yes and no, but I think I am starting to get too old and have wasted my life to the degree that it is no longer possible for me to have them. I feel like a failure for this - nobody to teach maths to, nobody to watch growing up, or to be proud of as they learn life's little lessons, and accomplish their own little achievements. Nobody to leave any legacy to, nobody for whom I can make a difference - nobody who (for a while at least) will see me almost as a god. Nobody to carry on my name. Yes, I am aware that many of these are selfish, and that in today's world, the future is starting to look really bleak for our children, I am also aware that children take a commitment and impact one's life, and I am not sure (as hinted earlier) that I am now able to make that sacrifice - a failure again!
There is a paradox in the previous statement that I think I am starting to get too old for children - while I have turned the corner on 40, I still don't feel any different to what I felt like as a 12 year old child - I was all too responsible then, but now I don't really feel like I am an adult - I don't feel like I am responsible or authoritative. I feel a bit like a child faking it in an adult's world. Noting this, when I see younger people than me in positions of greater responsibility, I again judge myself as a failure.
As far as friendships go, I keep them in place, but they are like spindly trees in a drought - there, but not greatly nurtured or cherished. I often feel like I don't know how to talk to others or to maintain a friendship. At gatherings, I often feel as though I am on the outside just watching all the goings on. I don't know what to talk about and don't feel like I am really that important to the others around me.
Lastly, on the "I feel like a failure" list is recreation. When I do things, I often feel like I am on the outside watching myself participate - tennis, SCUBA, holidays, dancing - they were all the same - I was the watcher and seldom the participant (even when it was myself that I was watching). I'm not sure I know how to just "be". How to experience something without watching myself and wondering how I should be experiencing it. I often feel like I do things so that I can check them off some list of life's experiences that one must work through. I often struggle with questions about what makes me happy because I don't know that I am necessarily aware of what it feels like to be happy as I am always watching myself rather than enjoying the moment. AS I was driving Nina out to dinner tonight, she asked if I was happy, and commented that she never sees me smile. If I was being honest and not trying to protect people (or myself?), I would have probably said that I wasn't really happy, but I don't really know why, nor do I know how to change this - so I'm just OK - I'm sustainable, but only just.
In summary, then, I feel like I am a failure at life - and I don't know what to do about it. For now I will keep surviving and hoping that things get better - or I learn how to change the light. It was commented by Nina's sister-in-law a couple of weeks ago that I seemed depressed - maybe I am - maybe I always have been and it just seems normal. Maybe I am just getting too cluttered and don't know what to do. I know one thing - at the moment many things seem to be a struggle - deciding what to eat is even a chore and something that I dread every night (though I don't know if this has ever been any different).
Nina headed into the city this morning - part of what she wanted to do was to try and find me a birthday present, but also she was also likely to do some other (book) shopping. She asked if I wanted to go - in the end I said no - not so much because I had anything better to do or didn't want to go, but more because I felt like my going would cause her to enjoy her shopping trip less and also perhaps because I didn't feel like being nagged constantly over what I want for my birthday (most of the things on my wish list are too expensive to ask for). As she left I could barely contain my emotion, and I started crying after she left - it is such a terrible feeling to think that someone will have a more pleasant time on their own than with you present. Of course she probably left thinking that I was a bore for not wanting to go! I was left with a headache as I wrote this.
Nina asked me this morning (while I was trying to sleep in) what inspired me. In asking this question, she gave what felt like a back-handed criticism by asking if I even knew what inspiration was - so I gave the literal reply that it was to be filled with the spirit (the origin of the term), which annoyed her and prompted her to complain that I was always too literal. I know what the answer is for her - it is books, ideas, etc. For me, I don't know what the answer is - at least that is the response that I gave her. Her response was along the lines that she hated being around me - that I was soul-less. In light of the previous comments in this post, this started me thinking again about how much of a failure I was - and perhaps extended it to being a failure at being a person. I also lay there trying to think what inspired me. The following is what I came up with:
The beauty of nature experienced on foot
The love, care and respect of a woman
Technology ... but that is becoming too much like clutter now
Being with others who are enjoying themselves, and related to this, being around others who are excited and inspired by things.
Feeling useful and needed ... so long as it doesn't become like a chore
I've written more than enough for today.
I have been going to write about this for a while, but just haven't gotten around to it.
Why do I feel like a failure, and what do I feel like I'm a failure at?
I feel like I am a failure at my career, at my relationships, at romance, at sex, at family, at being an adult, at friendships, and at recreation ... in short, at life. The only thing I am not a failure at is continuing to survive, but as I have also hinted, I feel like I am moving backward there.
In my job, I perform OK, but don't jump out of bed every morning in eagerness of the day at work. I perform my job well, and I guess I have been moderately successful / fortunate in my career, but I don't see myself or what I do as outstanding - indeed, I feel quite un-extraordinary and anonymous in what I do. This has been amplified over about the last year as, for me at least, things have been relatively quiet (and for long periods of time, I've had nothing worthwhile to do). Even now, since I've been given some things to do, I don't feel that they are keeping me fully occupied, and am having difficulty getting motivated. I also measure myself against others professionally, and feel I don't have the same success as them, nor the depth of knowledge or skills. At best, I feel mediocre - and that makes me feel like a failure - like a nobody.
I was always a shy boy when I grew up, and was petrified at the thought of asking out a girl - arguably a typical shy awkward boy, but one who was further hamstrung by voices that told him that as everyone knew boys only wanted one thing from girls (sex), and girls didn't want that from boys. In a partner, I wanted someone I could enjoy the company of - yes, sex would be part of the picture, but not initially, and it would only ever be just a part of it. Anyway, I was always too scared to ask out girls, and when I did, I only seemed to be able to keep them as friends - I never felt comfortable taking liberties such as trying to kiss them, which they then assumed meant that I wasn't interested in them. So I was always felt like a failure at relationships. Indeed, I don't think I've ever felt unrivalled passion and lust that I've let loose with. I also feel like I have missed out on a large and important of life and living and growing up and learning by not having experienced this.
Romance is really a continuation of relationships, and a reflection on the limited experience and success I had at this when I was in my late teens and 20's (and 30's). My feeling of being a failure at romance also relates to my marriage and the feeling not only that there is no romance in our relationship, but also that I don't know how to change that, and that I feel like I am the reason that Nina seems to be turned off by any form or romantic gesture. I may be a romantic at heart, but I am obviously a failure at romance.
Sex - what is that? I have never been an over-sexed person, have always been quite embarrassed by the subject (the anonymous nature of this blog allows me to be more open), and have never been good at asking for it. In my marriage, I am not sure if it is sadder that I haven't had sex in the last 522 days, that I've masturbated about 131 times since then, or that I am able to quote these numbers with some form of certainty. When we got together, I was more the one who went along the ride in terms of our sex life (but I did enjoy the ride). Now I feel that it is my fault that Nina is against even the hint of sex. I am also haunted by the last time (and indeed many of the last few times) we shagged - Nina was clearly not enjoying the experience, and I was left feeling dirty because of it. It is interesting that I am writing this today - after I started this entry I read an article in the newspaper, and one bit stood out, and I'll relate it here, "If sex is mutual, when both people want it, that's wonderful. If one partner wants sex and the other doesn't but offers it as a gift, that too is pretty darned good. But when one person complains or begrudgingly complies, that makes the other feel like a thief, as if they had stolen something that was not rightfully theirs." I felt like I was in the wrong last time we had sex ... even though when I offered to stop - I was told, almost angrily, to keep going ... effectively to hurry up and get it over with - and in the end I felt like shit. I don't turn my wife on, and it seems like I turn her off - that makes me an absolute failure at sex. To add insult to injury, to emphasise how much Nina seems to despise shagging me, I haven't been offered the gift of sex on any of at least my last three (being pessimistic, but realistic, that is soon to be four) birthdays.
Families - Nina and I have occasionally talked around the subject of children - she is increasingly adamant that she doesn't want any, and compounded my feelings of failure here by commenting once that if married to some men she might feel like she wanted to have children, but I didn't fall into that category - talk about a kick in the guts. Me, do I want children? Yes and no, but I think I am starting to get too old and have wasted my life to the degree that it is no longer possible for me to have them. I feel like a failure for this - nobody to teach maths to, nobody to watch growing up, or to be proud of as they learn life's little lessons, and accomplish their own little achievements. Nobody to leave any legacy to, nobody for whom I can make a difference - nobody who (for a while at least) will see me almost as a god. Nobody to carry on my name. Yes, I am aware that many of these are selfish, and that in today's world, the future is starting to look really bleak for our children, I am also aware that children take a commitment and impact one's life, and I am not sure (as hinted earlier) that I am now able to make that sacrifice - a failure again!
There is a paradox in the previous statement that I think I am starting to get too old for children - while I have turned the corner on 40, I still don't feel any different to what I felt like as a 12 year old child - I was all too responsible then, but now I don't really feel like I am an adult - I don't feel like I am responsible or authoritative. I feel a bit like a child faking it in an adult's world. Noting this, when I see younger people than me in positions of greater responsibility, I again judge myself as a failure.
As far as friendships go, I keep them in place, but they are like spindly trees in a drought - there, but not greatly nurtured or cherished. I often feel like I don't know how to talk to others or to maintain a friendship. At gatherings, I often feel as though I am on the outside just watching all the goings on. I don't know what to talk about and don't feel like I am really that important to the others around me.
Lastly, on the "I feel like a failure" list is recreation. When I do things, I often feel like I am on the outside watching myself participate - tennis, SCUBA, holidays, dancing - they were all the same - I was the watcher and seldom the participant (even when it was myself that I was watching). I'm not sure I know how to just "be". How to experience something without watching myself and wondering how I should be experiencing it. I often feel like I do things so that I can check them off some list of life's experiences that one must work through. I often struggle with questions about what makes me happy because I don't know that I am necessarily aware of what it feels like to be happy as I am always watching myself rather than enjoying the moment. AS I was driving Nina out to dinner tonight, she asked if I was happy, and commented that she never sees me smile. If I was being honest and not trying to protect people (or myself?), I would have probably said that I wasn't really happy, but I don't really know why, nor do I know how to change this - so I'm just OK - I'm sustainable, but only just.
In summary, then, I feel like I am a failure at life - and I don't know what to do about it. For now I will keep surviving and hoping that things get better - or I learn how to change the light. It was commented by Nina's sister-in-law a couple of weeks ago that I seemed depressed - maybe I am - maybe I always have been and it just seems normal. Maybe I am just getting too cluttered and don't know what to do. I know one thing - at the moment many things seem to be a struggle - deciding what to eat is even a chore and something that I dread every night (though I don't know if this has ever been any different).
Nina headed into the city this morning - part of what she wanted to do was to try and find me a birthday present, but also she was also likely to do some other (book) shopping. She asked if I wanted to go - in the end I said no - not so much because I had anything better to do or didn't want to go, but more because I felt like my going would cause her to enjoy her shopping trip less and also perhaps because I didn't feel like being nagged constantly over what I want for my birthday (most of the things on my wish list are too expensive to ask for). As she left I could barely contain my emotion, and I started crying after she left - it is such a terrible feeling to think that someone will have a more pleasant time on their own than with you present. Of course she probably left thinking that I was a bore for not wanting to go! I was left with a headache as I wrote this.
Nina asked me this morning (while I was trying to sleep in) what inspired me. In asking this question, she gave what felt like a back-handed criticism by asking if I even knew what inspiration was - so I gave the literal reply that it was to be filled with the spirit (the origin of the term), which annoyed her and prompted her to complain that I was always too literal. I know what the answer is for her - it is books, ideas, etc. For me, I don't know what the answer is - at least that is the response that I gave her. Her response was along the lines that she hated being around me - that I was soul-less. In light of the previous comments in this post, this started me thinking again about how much of a failure I was - and perhaps extended it to being a failure at being a person. I also lay there trying to think what inspired me. The following is what I came up with:
The beauty of nature experienced on foot
The love, care and respect of a woman
Technology ... but that is becoming too much like clutter now
Being with others who are enjoying themselves, and related to this, being around others who are excited and inspired by things.
Feeling useful and needed ... so long as it doesn't become like a chore
I've written more than enough for today.
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