Still just Sustainable

Moods are fickle things - they go up and down, often depending more on how much one dwells on a thought or feeling than anything else. The attached represents some of my thoughts when I dwell on things … it is something that I wrote about 2 months ago, but think I could equally have written years ago. I am not even sure I should post it as I feel that it dwells too much on the negative or may cause emotional hurt.

Nina claims that I never tell her anything and that she never knows how I feel about things … and she is right, but I generally don't feel I can talk with her - it is not that I don't want to, but rather that I don't trust enough, and don't see the point. I don't trust that what I say won't hurt her or push her over the edge or keep coming back to haunt me, and I don't see the point because it won't change anything.

I feel so lonely. All through discussions regarding her brother's marriage problems, I've been feeling like our marriage is no better (even though she seems to think otherwise). OK, there may not have been any infidelity, but I feel like she started checking out of our marriage more than seven years ago (maybe even before we got married). I feel like our marriage is more like a relationship between a father and a daughter than a husband and wife, and yes, I resent it; and yes, this contributes to the total failure that I feel like my life is. And it frequently leaves me feeling sad, depressed and angry … and while nobody ever sees it, sometimes when I see signs of affection, romance, etc., I feel this self pity, anger, and emptiness welling up inside of me, and unable to respond in any other way, I am left just stamp my feet or thump the arm rests of my chair.

There is effectively no intimacy in my life, and any time I look for any from Nina, either I get rejected, feel like a deviant, feel like I am inappropriately pressuring her, or feel like I am being blamed for something (such as causing cramps). Nina does occasionally take my arm, and I feel special when she does, but generally the closest we get to any intimacy is when she wants to have her back 'drawn on' - and while I don't mind doing this, it is perhaps when I feel most resentful and empty and used - like it is all about her and that I am nothing. We never kiss … I don't think we've kissed in the last year … sure, there have been pecks, but she is always making this as brief as possible - like she is pulling away … humouring me, but at the same time it feels like she is rejecting me or repulsed by me. Indeed, she has often said "I just don't feel that way about you …" talk about having a pitch-fork thrust into your soul.

It feels like we've gone past some point of no return, but I wish we could start again. I wish we could start slowly - learn to kiss again, learn to explore each other's bodies, and perhaps start out like two innocent lovers … and learn how to long for each other's company and intimacy … and to savour every frequent moment of it.

There was a show on TV a year or two ago - "Making Couples Happy" and I think we both saw ourselves in the couples on the show … this gives me hope that there may yet be hope for us, but …

The state of my empty marriage isn't the only reason I feel like a failure. I feel like a failure because I don't have any kids … because we didn't even try (I even seriously considered sperm donation for a while, but am even too old for that). Nina keeps going on and on about how glad she is that we don't have any, how our latest puppy reinforces to her that she couldn't have coped, and I accept that, but it just feels to me like finger nails scraping down a chalk board … a feeling that is amplified every time she coos over someone else's children - especially those of siblings or cousins .

I am a failure in other areas of my life as well. With my social skills - I don't keep in touch with the few friends that I have, and feel like these relationships are quite superficial. My career is no better - I don't feel like I am making any difference, and that I am effectively just marking time. What is the point of it all, anyway?

There have been a couple of things happening at work recently that have also given me pause to stop and think.

The first of these was an online health assessment - there were three questions that seemed to drill into mental health - had one been diagnosed with depression, etc., but the question that floored me was the one that asked how often I was excited by things … NEVER. I seriously can not remember the last time I was overjoyed with excitement about something … anything. My life is focused on doing what I think I should be doing … it is as if I don't matter - in the scheme of things I am not important. Nina is more important than me, my responsibilities at work are more important, helping others is more important … but I don't matter. Strangely, even when I have done things in my life - like the holidays, etc., I often feel like I am an observer or actor playing a role, rather than an active participant enjoying the journey. Looking back, it feels like I have , for example, "enjoyed" a trip because that was what one was expected to do. Even when I went Bungee Jumping, my shouts felt like that was because what was expected.

Not surprisingly, when talking about stress, part of the feedback from this assessment was that maybe I should "seek help as depressed mood may be helped by professional assistance."

The other thing that occurred came out of a personality assessment I did for work. In the debrief, the observation was made that with my particular combination of personality trait preferences, that if under pressure and feeling 100 types of awful, I was unlikely to reach out for help, that it may lead to me bottling things up, and that there could be health considerations related to this - the concern raised in the debrief was that I need to know how to look after myself. I was asked how I responded in such situations, and all I could say after too long a pause was that I just took the next breath and persevered … but I felt empty, lost, exposed, and worthless as I responded to that question.

Reflecting on these two recent incidents and on my life, I wondered what my grave stone might read - how would I summarise my life … and the most apt phrase that came to mind was "Responsibilities above self interest," where those responsibilities related to the way I perceived I should be behaving or acting. I am starting to believe that I don't even know what happiness or enjoyment is.

Being aware of some of the lows that Nina has, a colleague at work has recently recommended a couple of books regarding depression, and while I have recently purchased them, I am thinking that it may be worth reading through them myself - not just to help / understand Nina, but also maybe I also find some value in them for myself ... but am scared about what they may suggest.