It's an anniversary of sorts tonight - it has been 7 years since I last enjoyed sexual intimacy with my wife, Nina. As I've noted many times before, this is just one of the things that leaves me feeling like a failure. Last night, Nina indicated that she just doesn't enjoy sex - this from the same person who once assured me that women do like sex ... the only conclusion I can draw is that she doesn't like sex *** with me *** ... because I was never any good at it - I was a failure in bed and that's something I'm stuck with.
So, 7 years ago, we broke a two year drought - I think Nina was feeling sorry for me - I think I'd noted that it had been more than two years and how rejected I felt after the last time. I appreciated the consideration, and it was an infinitely better memory than the previous time, but a single sympathy fuck is not what I long for.
A little over two years before that, I picked Nina up from work and we had dinner out. She was in a good mood and was quite hyped up ... of course after she had some wine she became even more so. We had a good time and she seemed to be quite happy. When we got home, we had sex, but she seemed to be only going through the motions, and wasn't really into it. Indeed, I think at one stage, seeing how she was, I asked her if she wanted me to stop and she semi-abruptly told me to just keep going - almost like she was telling me to just hurry up and finish.
About two months before that, I was feeling rather flat - especially as I felt at the time like I was left to do everything (I think she does a lot more than me these days), I felt neglected, and I felt as if Nina had already doomed our marriage to failure - at least in substance, if not in totality. That night we went down to my parents place to dinner - as seemed common at the time, with my parents' influence, Nina drank more than she wanted to, and she seemed to enjoy herself down there. On the drive home, she was singing Abba songs at the top of her voice, and was openly admitting to being drunk. When we got home, I initiated sex, and she consented, but really wasn't in it at all - she just lay there unresponsively - not a particularly flattering experience. Afterwards, I noted that it was our first dalliance wince we purchased the new mattress ... she responded that that she didn't note these things any longer.
Another month or two before that it was our third wedding anniversary - Nina got me a book and some chocolates, and I got her a old-style leather diary / notebook. We had a nice breakfast at the place where we were staying in the Daylesford area, and we chatted for a while with the other guests. We then went touring - initially up to Bendigo (stopping at the Chocolate Mill on the way).
Nina was in a bit of a grumpy mood / was a bit out of it during the morning, and while we were touring around, she didn't really feel inspired to see anything. After stopping in at the Bendigo Pottery, we went to a book shop and then kept driving - we headed for Maldon for lunch - it was a lovely old town, and we took some photos. We kept driving, heading back to Daylesford via Maryborough & Clunes (which Nina thought was a lovely looking town, and which we later found out had a large 2nd hand book fair about a couple of months earlier). We enjoyed dinner at a place we'd been to the previous night - Nina enjoyed the ambiance of the place as well as the food. We chatted over dinner - about us and about our relationship - Nina sees herself as more of the man (aren't men stereotypically the ones who want more sex?) in the relationship, and doesn't feel the same need for intimacy as I do (her definition of intimacy is chatting over dinner, whereas I feel the need for something more physical) - she indicated that physical intimacy just doesn't have any place for her any more, or so she seemed to be saying - it seemed to me hearing this that maybe it has served its role and no longer served any useful purpose for her. She also made some comment that the sort of sex that she is into is nasty - something that she didn't elaborate on. When we got back to the place we were staying, Nina lit the candles and we had a romantic time in bed - after sex, we lay there chatting for quite a while. This may have been the last good sex we had - appropriate that it was on our wedding anniversary ... but it is also sad thinking back on it that after just 3 short years of marriage maybe our sex life was over.
I want to be at one with Nina as an act of intimacy - I feel empty inside after 7 years of marital celibacy (effectively it is probably more than 9 years). I want her to want to make love to me ... not because she feels obliged or bad or sorry for me, but because she enjoys it and because she loves me. I am often left asking myself What karmic curse have I triggered to end up like this. I wonder why am I left feeling guilty even thinking about wanting to share intimacy with my wife ... and why am I left feeling like I've committed some form of assault if I even hint anything about sex.
Back to the present, I rolled over to give Nina a cuddle last night after she said she was cold ... she then said she wasn't that cold ... so I rolled back over and shed a quiet and lonely tear and lamented my 7 years of celibacy.
Wednesday, 5 October 2016
Monday, 12 September 2016
Sex and intimacy and power and thoughts and feelings
I may have written about this previously - was thinking this morning in the shower about different meanings / drives for sex.
For Nina, my perception has become that sex for her is all about control and power - about getting what she wants or proving her value ... and once she has what she wants, has established her power, then to continue having sex is degrading to her - like she is being used ... and therefor losing her power.
For me, it is primarily about intimacy, belonging, and having a sense of value, care, closeness, commitment, and mutual respect.
While I don't have the sex drive of a rabbit, having no sex, being denied it, or having it because someone feels sorry for me or obliged to offer it all add to my feelings of failure and worthlessness (which has effectively been the case for the last 9 years of our 14 year relationship / 12 year marriage ... and possibly more).
When I look back on my relationship with Nina, it feels to me like she stopped wanting sex once she'd hooked me - that it was a tool that had served its purpose ... for me, once I was hooked and committed to her was when I started wanting it more.
Of course maybe this is because I've never been able to offer her satisfying sex - a feeling of failure that I've written about before.
Sometimes Nina has said that when she was getting to know me, that she was scared for me - worried that some females would take advantage of my naivety / innocence to hook me in and just use me. When she says this, I sometimes wonder, given my perceptions about lack of intimacy in our relationship, if in her rush to "protect" me, she has done the same.
Of course, Nina defines intimacy differently - for her it is about being able to share thoughts, concerns, ideas and the like. By hiding mine here on this blog (which she knows about, but has probably forgotten about), I am failing to show intimacy and commitment in the language she understands ... but whenever I try to share or think about sharing my thoughts in spoken words, I feel like she's going to either go on the attack, go on the defense, or that it is going to add to her own sense of worthlessness ... in other words, it will achieve nothing positive, and may be toxic or harmful ... and as speaking them out loud is difficult for me anyway, I choose the safer and easier course.
For Nina, my perception has become that sex for her is all about control and power - about getting what she wants or proving her value ... and once she has what she wants, has established her power, then to continue having sex is degrading to her - like she is being used ... and therefor losing her power.
For me, it is primarily about intimacy, belonging, and having a sense of value, care, closeness, commitment, and mutual respect.
While I don't have the sex drive of a rabbit, having no sex, being denied it, or having it because someone feels sorry for me or obliged to offer it all add to my feelings of failure and worthlessness (which has effectively been the case for the last 9 years of our 14 year relationship / 12 year marriage ... and possibly more).
When I look back on my relationship with Nina, it feels to me like she stopped wanting sex once she'd hooked me - that it was a tool that had served its purpose ... for me, once I was hooked and committed to her was when I started wanting it more.
Of course maybe this is because I've never been able to offer her satisfying sex - a feeling of failure that I've written about before.
Sometimes Nina has said that when she was getting to know me, that she was scared for me - worried that some females would take advantage of my naivety / innocence to hook me in and just use me. When she says this, I sometimes wonder, given my perceptions about lack of intimacy in our relationship, if in her rush to "protect" me, she has done the same.
Of course, Nina defines intimacy differently - for her it is about being able to share thoughts, concerns, ideas and the like. By hiding mine here on this blog (which she knows about, but has probably forgotten about), I am failing to show intimacy and commitment in the language she understands ... but whenever I try to share or think about sharing my thoughts in spoken words, I feel like she's going to either go on the attack, go on the defense, or that it is going to add to her own sense of worthlessness ... in other words, it will achieve nothing positive, and may be toxic or harmful ... and as speaking them out loud is difficult for me anyway, I choose the safer and easier course.
Monday, 5 September 2016
Clickbait
Looking through the paper online the other day, the following click bait story caught my eye:
My husband and I had sex every day for a year
It's a story by a woman who had sex every day for a year and wrote about it, and the way that it made her feel better about her body and about herself.
Ov course, like most guys this caught my interest, and of course when I found an opportunity to mention it to her, she just grumped and rolled her eyes.
It's been 83 months now … nearly 7 years … and even sadder is that it was less than seven years from the first to last time we shared that sort of intimacy (and she is the only one), and also that the last time was after a couple of year drought.
I have no evidence, but it seems like an unmistakable conclusion is that I am a failure in the sack. More so since Nina was adamant in telling me that women enjoy sex … and not too long later stopped wanting to have it with me.
Sometimes I am left wondering if she was just leading me on.
My husband and I had sex every day for a year
It's a story by a woman who had sex every day for a year and wrote about it, and the way that it made her feel better about her body and about herself.
Ov course, like most guys this caught my interest, and of course when I found an opportunity to mention it to her, she just grumped and rolled her eyes.
It's been 83 months now … nearly 7 years … and even sadder is that it was less than seven years from the first to last time we shared that sort of intimacy (and she is the only one), and also that the last time was after a couple of year drought.
I have no evidence, but it seems like an unmistakable conclusion is that I am a failure in the sack. More so since Nina was adamant in telling me that women enjoy sex … and not too long later stopped wanting to have it with me.
Sometimes I am left wondering if she was just leading me on.
Wednesday, 31 August 2016
RIP our beautiful boy
We had to euthanise one of our puppies this week.
We thought it was going to be on Saturday, so we braced ourselves, cried a bit, and carried him up to the vet for the final time. It wasn't really the vet we wanted, but to us it seemed that it was the right thing to do.
The vet talked about doing more blood tests (to check electrolytes, but then when she listened to his heart, she recognised that there wasn't really any point, but she suggested we take him home, give him lots of cuddles, try to feed him some chicken and rice, and bring him back on Monday.
On Monday we were able to get an appointment at 9:00am with one of the two vets Nina preferred, so we carried our little boy home and loved him for another two days.
On Saturday, Nina spent the day on the couch with him (I had a commitment to help her brother move some stuff), and while I was out, her mum joined her.
During the day on Saturday, over the whole day, we managed to feed him a single chicken breast - something he ordinarily loved ... and he loved eating it (in tiny bits), but still struggled, and wouldn't countenance eating anything else. When he went out to drink he often just sat looking at the water trying to decide if he could handle drinking, but didn't really want any juice from when we poached the chicken (which we offered as an alternative).
On Saturday night, I think we sat together on the couch with him, just patting him and holding him near.
On Sunday, it was my turn to keep him company (Nina had a family commitment) - I sat there watching documentaries, with him sitting beside me and leaning into me the way he always did, but it was also a little different - he was so much more tired, and as a result, he was just that bit floppier / heavier, and his head rested more on me. I sat there all day patting / stroking him and giving him as much love as I could.
We weren't very hungry on Sunday night, and he ate nothing on Sunday apart from a couple of small slivers of pepper infused cheese - he loved this, but had literally no more than a taste of it.
On Sunday night after we all went to bed, he was restless, so Nina decided to take him downstairs and sleep with him on the couch - that way he could easily go outside if he wanted to (all weekend he was wanting to toilet every 2-3 hours). She said that he lay on top of her and she cuddled him most of the night - this was special for her ... and he was certainly her very very special puppy. Throughout his life, he shadowed her everywhere - he always had to be with her, sitting on the back of her chair while she was working at her desk, or sitting where he could keep an eye on her when she was anywhere else in the house. From the moment he first saw him (before we purchased him), he had decided that she was his for the keeping.
On Monday morning we cuddled him some more, got the other puppies to say good bye (not that they really understood), took countless last photos, gave him a final tour of the house, and then carried him off for his very last visit to the vet.
When we arrived at the vet, they were ready for us and showed us straight into the consultation room, and laid a towel on the table for him to sit / lie on.
After a brief check of his heart and an explanation of what was happening to him (the muscle fibres that help operate the heart valve had begun failing, causing an irregular heart beat ... he already had a massively enlarged heart due to degenerative mitral valve disease). He was not going to get any better. The vet asked about his hip dysplasia - he had about 15% on one side and nothing on the other - he had long felt that that would cause him more problems as he aged, but he remained strong to the end - something that the vet loved so much about him - this was a dog that never seemed to feel pain, and had such a unique personality. The vet then explained that he would see if he felt he could find a good vein, and if not he would give some anesthetic first so that there would be no stress when giving the needle. The anesthetic was not needed.
Our beautiful and stoic boy didn't even flinch as the needle went in ... and as that green fluid entered his body he just slowly lowered his head for the last time, with Nina on one side of him stroking him gently and me on the other. When the vet had finished, he lay there, eyes open ... neither alive nor dead, the two of us still caressing him gently. The vet then checked his heart and told him that it had stopped beating - he was dead ... but he looked so peaceful, and alive ... he was obviously still warm ... his eyes were open as if he was still watching us. Sleep peacefully our beautiful boy.
Our puppy's passing has left us with broken hearts. It even brought tears to the vet's eyes - that must be the hardest part of the job!
Since then, it's been like we've been walking a tight-rope across a chasm of despair. It doesn't take much to set either of us off. For me it is a thought that lingers too long, or seeing Nina crying about it ... or even thinking about how upset she must be ... and writing this has been interrupted on several occasions as the sorrow gets the better of me.
I don't think the other puppies realise that their companion is ever coming back.
On Monday night, Nina and I say in bed listing all the unique characteristics that we saw in our puppy - it was somewhat cathartic, but also very sad and happy at the same time.
I don't know how long it will take for the pain to pass and for this well of tears to run dry. It has been a challenge for me at work this morning, and Nina has just called to say that she can't be at home alone, can't concentrate on study or work, and is off to her parents.
Our beautiful puppy, the little character as you were, thank you for being you and sharing you short eight years with us ... we'll miss you. Rest in peace.
We thought it was going to be on Saturday, so we braced ourselves, cried a bit, and carried him up to the vet for the final time. It wasn't really the vet we wanted, but to us it seemed that it was the right thing to do.
The vet talked about doing more blood tests (to check electrolytes, but then when she listened to his heart, she recognised that there wasn't really any point, but she suggested we take him home, give him lots of cuddles, try to feed him some chicken and rice, and bring him back on Monday.
On Monday we were able to get an appointment at 9:00am with one of the two vets Nina preferred, so we carried our little boy home and loved him for another two days.
On Saturday, Nina spent the day on the couch with him (I had a commitment to help her brother move some stuff), and while I was out, her mum joined her.
During the day on Saturday, over the whole day, we managed to feed him a single chicken breast - something he ordinarily loved ... and he loved eating it (in tiny bits), but still struggled, and wouldn't countenance eating anything else. When he went out to drink he often just sat looking at the water trying to decide if he could handle drinking, but didn't really want any juice from when we poached the chicken (which we offered as an alternative).
On Saturday night, I think we sat together on the couch with him, just patting him and holding him near.
On Sunday, it was my turn to keep him company (Nina had a family commitment) - I sat there watching documentaries, with him sitting beside me and leaning into me the way he always did, but it was also a little different - he was so much more tired, and as a result, he was just that bit floppier / heavier, and his head rested more on me. I sat there all day patting / stroking him and giving him as much love as I could.
We weren't very hungry on Sunday night, and he ate nothing on Sunday apart from a couple of small slivers of pepper infused cheese - he loved this, but had literally no more than a taste of it.
On Sunday night after we all went to bed, he was restless, so Nina decided to take him downstairs and sleep with him on the couch - that way he could easily go outside if he wanted to (all weekend he was wanting to toilet every 2-3 hours). She said that he lay on top of her and she cuddled him most of the night - this was special for her ... and he was certainly her very very special puppy. Throughout his life, he shadowed her everywhere - he always had to be with her, sitting on the back of her chair while she was working at her desk, or sitting where he could keep an eye on her when she was anywhere else in the house. From the moment he first saw him (before we purchased him), he had decided that she was his for the keeping.
On Monday morning we cuddled him some more, got the other puppies to say good bye (not that they really understood), took countless last photos, gave him a final tour of the house, and then carried him off for his very last visit to the vet.
When we arrived at the vet, they were ready for us and showed us straight into the consultation room, and laid a towel on the table for him to sit / lie on.
After a brief check of his heart and an explanation of what was happening to him (the muscle fibres that help operate the heart valve had begun failing, causing an irregular heart beat ... he already had a massively enlarged heart due to degenerative mitral valve disease). He was not going to get any better. The vet asked about his hip dysplasia - he had about 15% on one side and nothing on the other - he had long felt that that would cause him more problems as he aged, but he remained strong to the end - something that the vet loved so much about him - this was a dog that never seemed to feel pain, and had such a unique personality. The vet then explained that he would see if he felt he could find a good vein, and if not he would give some anesthetic first so that there would be no stress when giving the needle. The anesthetic was not needed.
Our beautiful and stoic boy didn't even flinch as the needle went in ... and as that green fluid entered his body he just slowly lowered his head for the last time, with Nina on one side of him stroking him gently and me on the other. When the vet had finished, he lay there, eyes open ... neither alive nor dead, the two of us still caressing him gently. The vet then checked his heart and told him that it had stopped beating - he was dead ... but he looked so peaceful, and alive ... he was obviously still warm ... his eyes were open as if he was still watching us. Sleep peacefully our beautiful boy.
Our puppy's passing has left us with broken hearts. It even brought tears to the vet's eyes - that must be the hardest part of the job!
Since then, it's been like we've been walking a tight-rope across a chasm of despair. It doesn't take much to set either of us off. For me it is a thought that lingers too long, or seeing Nina crying about it ... or even thinking about how upset she must be ... and writing this has been interrupted on several occasions as the sorrow gets the better of me.
I don't think the other puppies realise that their companion is ever coming back.
On Monday night, Nina and I say in bed listing all the unique characteristics that we saw in our puppy - it was somewhat cathartic, but also very sad and happy at the same time.
I don't know how long it will take for the pain to pass and for this well of tears to run dry. It has been a challenge for me at work this morning, and Nina has just called to say that she can't be at home alone, can't concentrate on study or work, and is off to her parents.
Our beautiful puppy, the little character as you were, thank you for being you and sharing you short eight years with us ... we'll miss you. Rest in peace.
Saturday, 30 July 2016
No sense of self worth
In my previous post, I noted that what one dwells on influences how one feels. I was reflecting on this in the shower this morning - actually, I think I reflect on where I am and what I am feeling whenever I have a shower, walk alone, or go to sleep at night - but this morning I noted that as I have these still moments, I keep falling back to how much of a failure I feel my life is ... not a good thing to keep dwelling on.
Through these thoughts, I got to wondering why - there has always been something deeper yet intangible where I have felt that I'm not ready or deserving, something I couldn't properly put into words ... but then I had an epiphany of sorts.
My whole life ... at least my whole life since as far back as I can remember, I have always felt that I am not worthy. This may not be the perfect way of putting it, but it is the best way I have found so far.
Why would a girl want to go out with me - I am not worthy.
Why don't I tell Nina about all this (indirectly I do by writing this blog - hoping that one day she may read it, but then also worried about consequences if she does) - because I am not worthy of having my feelings considered (I tell myself that it is because I am concerned that she has enough to worry about ... but isn't this saying the same thing - that my feelings are not as important as hers ... that I'm not worthy).
At work I often feel like people are humouring me - I'm not worthy. When ever I have gone for a promotion, I never talk myself up, and am not surprised if I miss out - I'm not worthy. I can't understand how people seem to respect and have time for me - how are they seeing me as worthy when I don't?
I get a sense of fulfillment helping out others - I was reflecting during the day today that this is because it gives me a sense of worth, however fleeting.
And not having kids - I've never been worthy of that (many years ago this may have been translated as too young / not ready, but this is another way of saying the same thing, and when Nina and I were discussing it, her needs naturally came above mine) ... and now it is too late ... and much as that hurts, I'm not worthy of anyone's sympathy for that.
I guess if I was to find / pursue any sort of self-improvement path, the best focus may be on finding a sense of self worth ... but maybe I'm not worthy of that.
Through these thoughts, I got to wondering why - there has always been something deeper yet intangible where I have felt that I'm not ready or deserving, something I couldn't properly put into words ... but then I had an epiphany of sorts.
My whole life ... at least my whole life since as far back as I can remember, I have always felt that I am not worthy. This may not be the perfect way of putting it, but it is the best way I have found so far.
Why would a girl want to go out with me - I am not worthy.
Why don't I tell Nina about all this (indirectly I do by writing this blog - hoping that one day she may read it, but then also worried about consequences if she does) - because I am not worthy of having my feelings considered (I tell myself that it is because I am concerned that she has enough to worry about ... but isn't this saying the same thing - that my feelings are not as important as hers ... that I'm not worthy).
At work I often feel like people are humouring me - I'm not worthy. When ever I have gone for a promotion, I never talk myself up, and am not surprised if I miss out - I'm not worthy. I can't understand how people seem to respect and have time for me - how are they seeing me as worthy when I don't?
I get a sense of fulfillment helping out others - I was reflecting during the day today that this is because it gives me a sense of worth, however fleeting.
And not having kids - I've never been worthy of that (many years ago this may have been translated as too young / not ready, but this is another way of saying the same thing, and when Nina and I were discussing it, her needs naturally came above mine) ... and now it is too late ... and much as that hurts, I'm not worthy of anyone's sympathy for that.
I guess if I was to find / pursue any sort of self-improvement path, the best focus may be on finding a sense of self worth ... but maybe I'm not worthy of that.
Monday, 13 June 2016
What one dwells on drives how one feels
My last post was a little low - driven by my thoughts that I dwelt on.
Normally, those thoughts are further back in my mind - and while that doesn't leave me doing pirouettes and singing joyfully about how wonderful the world is, at least it hides / diminishes the pain and makes life feel more 'normal' (whatever that is).
Normally, those thoughts are further back in my mind - and while that doesn't leave me doing pirouettes and singing joyfully about how wonderful the world is, at least it hides / diminishes the pain and makes life feel more 'normal' (whatever that is).
Friday, 10 June 2016
Barely Sustainable
I let slip two
things that I've not told anyone else last night, and they were both
effectively dismissed. After one to two glasses of Champagne, Nina was being a
little amorous (on a scale of 0-10, it was probably a 1 or 2, but that's better
than a zero). Anyway, when I nudged for this to continue, I was rejected, so I
backed off with a comment that I was a failure (first disclosure). Her response
was a simple 'no you're not'. Bullshit! At around the same time (may have even
been in the lead-up) she said that she had an erotic dream about me last night
- that I was walking around in just a t-shirt. I responded that every time I
have erotic dreams, they end in her rejecting me (second disclosure) - to which
she responded 'oh, I'm sorry'.
Sitting on the couch
together after dinner, the dog was playing with a ball, so I made the comment
that Nina never played with my balls - at which point she grabbed them … but
when I put my hand over her breasts she told me to stop assaulting her … I just
moved to the other end of the couch. OK, maybe not the smoothest move, but
anything vaguely intimate or sexual is met with rejection by the only person
I've ever had sex with (yes, being a 34 year old virgin is one of my many
failures in life).
I was flat for the
rest of the night (still am, if I'm honest). When I was having a shower, she
did something stupid to make me laugh, but then I just tuned out. I then
fantasised (while I was having the shower) that Nina would be lying on the bed
in some sexy lingerie in an attempt to make me feel better, and knew that if
she was, though I'd appreciate the gesture, I'd also have to gracefully decline
- much as I long for and ache for more intimacy, I don't want her to be with me
out feeling sorry for me - I want the intimacy to be a mutually shared thing.
When I got out, she was reading … as usual.
As I went to sleep
feeling rejected and alone, she asked me if I was OK - 'Yes' I lied … with
tears quietly rolling down my cheeks.
So yes, our marriage
is totally lacking in any sexual intimacy - the last time we coupled was in
2009, and the time before that was 2007. Not only a virgin till my mid 30's,
but with the exception of one sympathy play, also effectively a born-again
virgin before I turned 40 - a big flashing 'failure' sign is goes off in my
head every time I reflect on this.
I found myself
asking a question during my shower this morning, and also during my walk into
work - how can there be infidelity in a marriage if there is no fidelity. I
know I am mixing up the definition a bit, but can there be unfaithfulness if
there is no intimacy? No, I'm not about to go off and have an affair - I'm much
more likely to end my failure of a life before then … except that act in itself
would only compound my failures, and would devastate my parents causing them
more despair than I could live (or die) with … even if some of my life failures
may relate to how I interpreted the lessons of my upbringing (e.g. lessons like
"your mother was my only girlfriend", and avoidance of being stirred
for having any sort of an interest in a girl).
In spite of my
ramblings, Nina is the most important person in my life, but I do still think
about how we got here, and 'what if'. I remember when we first heard about her
brother's marriage problems, that I though it sounded a bit like us (except for
the unfaithfulness) … the feeling that Nina has checked out of the marriage is
there. I remember when we were dating that my uncertainties (which I voiced)
were both taken as being hurtful (not what I was intending, and have been
replayed to me several times since), and were also dismissed as corruptions due
to the fantasies of Hollywood. When I asked Nina to marry me, I felt like she
was so certain about us that I ignored my uncertainties, but was afraid that
she'd ask 'why' and that I'd not be able to give a satisfactory answer, except
that we were so comfortable with each other. I also felt tied to her given our
intimacy - how could I ever have sex with someone and then toss them to the
side … to me, that intimacy symbolised a commitment and bond that shouldn't be
disrespected.
Yes, I play 'what
ifs' - what if Nina had left me (if I'd waited another two months to propose,
she probably would have); what if an earlier person I'd been interested in
hadn't been afraid to (in her words) 'train me' … or what if I didn't need
'training' in the first place; what if my parents had understood and respected
my character better and positively impacted my understanding of relationships?
If … any number of things … maybe my life would be different … maybe better /
happier / more fulfilled / less of a failure … or maybe worse.
This blog is
"beyond sustainable" because that is where I want to be - the needle
is currently sitting at 'barely sustainable'.
Friday, 6 May 2016
Empty & Pointless
It's 7:30pm on a Friday night and I am sitting here wondering what to do.
Nothing has any meaning ... everything feels so empty.
Yes, there are lots of things on my to do list, but it all seems so pointless.
Nothing has any meaning ... everything feels so empty.
Yes, there are lots of things on my to do list, but it all seems so pointless.
Thursday, 28 April 2016
When does one become an adult?
Nina and my niece were talking the other night ... and the conversation moved on to working out when one becomes an adult (my niece talking about how mature she thought she was now compared with a couple of years ago ...).
They both seemed to settle on the age of 18 years ... with Nina saying that this was when she felt she became an adult.
I didn't say anything, but I though quite differently. There were perhaps two signs of adulthood to me - beginning a career (maybe) and becoming a parent.
I've never really felt like I can call myself an adult, but I've always been relatively mature - right back since I was in my mid teens - and I've always looked to older people and thought of them as being adults ... but not me - I've never passed some magical test, never proved myself through some adult initiation ceremony.
More than anything else, I think that the mark of adulthood is the visible ownership of responsibility ... and the one life milestone that signifies that more than everything else combined is becoming a parent (and yes, there are a hell of a lot of people who should have never be allowed to become parents).
Being responsible for the upbringing of another human child is the greatest and perhaps only mark of adulthood that I think there is. Having a job, even managing a company, is just pretend in a way - a script out of "Lord of the Flies".
Maybe I see this as the measure because it is one that I'll sadly never achieve. Maybe it is a way I choose to use to justify my own sense of failure and insignificance in life - the absence of any purpose or lasting legacy ... to be cursed to die a child at whatever lofty age I reach ... and to have wasted all the years and opportunities that I've been given.
They both seemed to settle on the age of 18 years ... with Nina saying that this was when she felt she became an adult.
I didn't say anything, but I though quite differently. There were perhaps two signs of adulthood to me - beginning a career (maybe) and becoming a parent.
I've never really felt like I can call myself an adult, but I've always been relatively mature - right back since I was in my mid teens - and I've always looked to older people and thought of them as being adults ... but not me - I've never passed some magical test, never proved myself through some adult initiation ceremony.
More than anything else, I think that the mark of adulthood is the visible ownership of responsibility ... and the one life milestone that signifies that more than everything else combined is becoming a parent (and yes, there are a hell of a lot of people who should have never be allowed to become parents).
Being responsible for the upbringing of another human child is the greatest and perhaps only mark of adulthood that I think there is. Having a job, even managing a company, is just pretend in a way - a script out of "Lord of the Flies".
Maybe I see this as the measure because it is one that I'll sadly never achieve. Maybe it is a way I choose to use to justify my own sense of failure and insignificance in life - the absence of any purpose or lasting legacy ... to be cursed to die a child at whatever lofty age I reach ... and to have wasted all the years and opportunities that I've been given.
Wednesday, 23 March 2016
Another article about sex
There was a story in the paper today about Mismatched Libidos.
In the article, a sexual health therapist notes that with couples with mismatched libidos, as pursuer-distancer cycle often begins - it did for Nina and me until I worked out that my advances were not welcome and basically gave up ... but in the process, distanced myself from her - limiting other acts of intimacy that suited her but made me feel more rejected and 'used'.
She goes on to say that the partner with the lower sex drive becomes the 'distancer' who tries to avoid sex with excuses and is reluctant to hug or kiss because it may lead to sex. I know for me it feels like any time I go to kiss Nina, her response is like a viper - a quick peck and a faster retreat.
She notes that as a result, the couple will communicate less, become less affectionate and the intimacy they once had will soon disappear, and that if the issue is not addressed, it can undermine the intimacy in the relationship which can lead to frustration, misunderstandings and sometimes even infidelity or divorce. For me the last two are not on the table (as earlier blog entries may attest), but our relationship certainly feels empty ... I feel like I am more like Nina's father than her husband ... and I am not sure I know what intimacy is any more.
She suggests that the biggest part of the problem is that the person who wants sex more almost always feels rejected by their partner. They may take it personally and begin to wonder if they are still attractive, not desired anymore, or maybe their partner has a lover. I don't wonder about the latter, but as many other posts will attest, feel like a failure for how my marriage and how our relationship is.
She says that when clients see her, when she asks them when the last time they had sex was, that they can't remember ... I do - it was 5th October ... 2009, and the time before was two years prior (and wasn't worth mentioning - I was basically told to hurry up and get on with /finish it). She says that if couples have sex less than 10 times a year, it's called a sexless relationship - that must put our relationship at the extreme end of this category!
She goes on to note that American author and family therapist Michelle Weiner-Davis gave a TED talk about the sex-starved marriage in which she states, "There is an unspoken and often unconscious expectation that the higher-desire partner must accept the no-sex verdict, not complain about it and remain monogamous", but that Weiner-Davis believes that this is an unfair and unworkable arrangement.
The article ends with the commentary that she doesn't tell her female clients, to just do it, but they often tell her that sometimes they just don't feel like having sex, they're not in the mood, but when they actually do it, they start enjoying it and are happy they instigated it. She suggests that there must be lots of things you do when you are in a relationship that you don't like doing or don't feel in the mood for - cooking tonight, doing the dishes, listening to your partner complaining about his or her work - but you do it because it's part of being a loving couple. So maybe trying a bit harder to get in the mood to have sex more often may improve your relationship.
Don't get me wrong ... I don't have the greatest libido ... and I feel like a worthless and inexperienced loser given my sexual history. I also wonder if our relationship has reached a point where having sex again would be an awkward failure ... but boy do I sometimes feel alone, empty, worthless, and like a pathetic failure.
In the article, a sexual health therapist notes that with couples with mismatched libidos, as pursuer-distancer cycle often begins - it did for Nina and me until I worked out that my advances were not welcome and basically gave up ... but in the process, distanced myself from her - limiting other acts of intimacy that suited her but made me feel more rejected and 'used'.
She goes on to say that the partner with the lower sex drive becomes the 'distancer' who tries to avoid sex with excuses and is reluctant to hug or kiss because it may lead to sex. I know for me it feels like any time I go to kiss Nina, her response is like a viper - a quick peck and a faster retreat.
She notes that as a result, the couple will communicate less, become less affectionate and the intimacy they once had will soon disappear, and that if the issue is not addressed, it can undermine the intimacy in the relationship which can lead to frustration, misunderstandings and sometimes even infidelity or divorce. For me the last two are not on the table (as earlier blog entries may attest), but our relationship certainly feels empty ... I feel like I am more like Nina's father than her husband ... and I am not sure I know what intimacy is any more.
She suggests that the biggest part of the problem is that the person who wants sex more almost always feels rejected by their partner. They may take it personally and begin to wonder if they are still attractive, not desired anymore, or maybe their partner has a lover. I don't wonder about the latter, but as many other posts will attest, feel like a failure for how my marriage and how our relationship is.
She says that when clients see her, when she asks them when the last time they had sex was, that they can't remember ... I do - it was 5th October ... 2009, and the time before was two years prior (and wasn't worth mentioning - I was basically told to hurry up and get on with /finish it). She says that if couples have sex less than 10 times a year, it's called a sexless relationship - that must put our relationship at the extreme end of this category!
She goes on to note that American author and family therapist Michelle Weiner-Davis gave a TED talk about the sex-starved marriage in which she states, "There is an unspoken and often unconscious expectation that the higher-desire partner must accept the no-sex verdict, not complain about it and remain monogamous", but that Weiner-Davis believes that this is an unfair and unworkable arrangement.
The article ends with the commentary that she doesn't tell her female clients, to just do it, but they often tell her that sometimes they just don't feel like having sex, they're not in the mood, but when they actually do it, they start enjoying it and are happy they instigated it. She suggests that there must be lots of things you do when you are in a relationship that you don't like doing or don't feel in the mood for - cooking tonight, doing the dishes, listening to your partner complaining about his or her work - but you do it because it's part of being a loving couple. So maybe trying a bit harder to get in the mood to have sex more often may improve your relationship.
Don't get me wrong ... I don't have the greatest libido ... and I feel like a worthless and inexperienced loser given my sexual history. I also wonder if our relationship has reached a point where having sex again would be an awkward failure ... but boy do I sometimes feel alone, empty, worthless, and like a pathetic failure.
Saturday, 12 March 2016
Thoughts triggered by a present
It was my birthday recently ... among the gifts that Nina gave me was a 14 in 1 educational solar robot kit. A pretty cool present ... sort of.
I'd have loved it when I was younger (like in my early teens).
I'd have loved it if I had a young daughter or son to share it with.
But as things are, I just keep looking at it and wondering what I am meant to do with it.
Nina has made some enthusiastic comments to me that it has 14 different models to make, but that with some creativity, one could probably create other things. True ... but that is the sort of comment and encouragement that one would give to a younger child to encourage them to explore their own creativity and imagination. It is not really something to tell a middle-aged man ... and truth be told, it is perhaps a comment that I found slightly condescending (I know it wasn't intended as such).
I'm not going to make anything with this kit - I'm probably not even going to unwrap the plastic - it would just be more clutter that I don't need at the moment. I appreciate the thought - I truly do, but it also opened wounds of loss - loss of the ability to share such explorations with kids I never had and will never have.
I'd have loved it when I was younger (like in my early teens).
I'd have loved it if I had a young daughter or son to share it with.
But as things are, I just keep looking at it and wondering what I am meant to do with it.
Nina has made some enthusiastic comments to me that it has 14 different models to make, but that with some creativity, one could probably create other things. True ... but that is the sort of comment and encouragement that one would give to a younger child to encourage them to explore their own creativity and imagination. It is not really something to tell a middle-aged man ... and truth be told, it is perhaps a comment that I found slightly condescending (I know it wasn't intended as such).
I'm not going to make anything with this kit - I'm probably not even going to unwrap the plastic - it would just be more clutter that I don't need at the moment. I appreciate the thought - I truly do, but it also opened wounds of loss - loss of the ability to share such explorations with kids I never had and will never have.
Tuesday, 1 March 2016
Talk of being substitute parents
The other night Nina & I were talking about her nephew who is having some behavioural issues at the moment - issues that everyone is struggling to manage / understand / control. Many of these, we believe, relate to his mother, but that is another story.
Anyway, Nina suggested that we may need to look after him if nobody else could ... and asked if I would be OK with that ... I said yes, but didn't really feel like, if that push came to shove, I'd really have a choice in the matter.
Apart from the obvious and contradictory thoughts that we might be his only hope ... but what made us so cock-sure that we'd succeed where everyone else has failed, a different thought struck me like a rusty spiked blade through my heart ...
Nina didn't want to have kids ... she's always said she'd not be able to cope ... yet here she is suggesting (albeit, just the faintest whisper of a distant possibility) that maybe we'd have to look after her uncontrollable nephew ... and she'd be OK with that.
Nina didn't want to have kids because of how they'd impact her life ... because she couldn't cope ... yet now is suggesting the possibility (which I don't believe will happen) of us looking after a child who has prover to be uncontrollable by anyone, and to stress out the rest of her family. Does that make her fears about not coping with her own kids a convenient lie she has been telling to me (and herself)?
It may sound selfish, but I don't think she has any concept of how that thought makes me feel - almost like rubbing my nose in my own failure. I was never going to be good enough. My life is an empty failure.
The contradictions ached at me ... yet at the same time I felt selfish for feeling them ...
Anyway, Nina suggested that we may need to look after him if nobody else could ... and asked if I would be OK with that ... I said yes, but didn't really feel like, if that push came to shove, I'd really have a choice in the matter.
Apart from the obvious and contradictory thoughts that we might be his only hope ... but what made us so cock-sure that we'd succeed where everyone else has failed, a different thought struck me like a rusty spiked blade through my heart ...
Nina didn't want to have kids ... she's always said she'd not be able to cope ... yet here she is suggesting (albeit, just the faintest whisper of a distant possibility) that maybe we'd have to look after her uncontrollable nephew ... and she'd be OK with that.
Nina didn't want to have kids because of how they'd impact her life ... because she couldn't cope ... yet now is suggesting the possibility (which I don't believe will happen) of us looking after a child who has prover to be uncontrollable by anyone, and to stress out the rest of her family. Does that make her fears about not coping with her own kids a convenient lie she has been telling to me (and herself)?
It may sound selfish, but I don't think she has any concept of how that thought makes me feel - almost like rubbing my nose in my own failure. I was never going to be good enough. My life is an empty failure.
The contradictions ached at me ... yet at the same time I felt selfish for feeling them ...
Sunday, 17 January 2016
An old list
Found a list recently - it probably dates from around 2007 and has the following items on it:
- Screen door
- Windows
- Paint inside
- New Carpet
- Wooden floor
- Air conditioner
- Window shades
- Paint Eaves
- Paint Railings
- New Mattress
- Stairs to Loft
- Open window in loft
- Air conditioning in loft
- Redo down lights
- New Washing Machine / Drier / Dishwasher / Fridge
- Dog(s)
- Kid(s)
- Holiday(s)
- New Car(s)
- Weekends away
- Windows - looked at but decided to just replace blinds for now (was very expensive ... had to also repaint)
- New Carpet - will look at if / when we redo bedrooms & bathrooms
- Paint Eaves - need to get painter in to do this - too high up for me
- Kid(s) - A failure I'll always lament and probably judge my life by
- Holiday(s) - had a few, but tied down by dogs and mortgage (should have more)
- Weekends away - as per holiday(s)
Sunday, 10 January 2016
Emptiness & Intimacy
"Love comes in many forms: a Yale psychologist, Robert Sternberg, has actually proposed that there are as many as seven types. The ideal is 'consummate love ', combining intimacy with commitment; but if you have only one of those two qualities, then things are different. For example, commitment alone is 'empty', whereas intimacy alone amounts to merely 'liking'; but combine the two and you have 'companionate love'. Then again there's the romance that eludes chimps …"
Source: "The quest for meaning in the 21st century" by Susan Greenfield, Chapter 8: Being Human (pp142)
Perhaps a question for reflection is "what is intimacy" - I long for something physical (which I feel like is is almost totally lacking), but also to be able to talk and share - I know that Nina seeks the same in terms of this second type ... but I don't know - I think I feel like it is not safe - for her sanity or me (being heard and understood without causing friction), and that it wouldn't make a difference. This may be where counselling was good (got us speaking), but in the end it was circular - they eventually gave up on us.
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