Another article about sex

There was a story in the paper today about Mismatched Libidos.

In the article, a sexual health therapist notes that with couples with mismatched libidos, as pursuer-distancer cycle often begins - it did for Nina and me until I worked out that my advances were not welcome and basically gave up  ... but in the process, distanced myself from her - limiting other acts of intimacy that suited her but made me feel more rejected and 'used'.

She goes on to say that the partner with the lower sex drive becomes the 'distancer' who tries to avoid sex with excuses and is reluctant to hug or kiss because it may lead to sex. I know for me it feels like any time I go to kiss Nina, her response is like a viper - a quick peck and a faster retreat.

She notes that as a result, the couple will communicate less, become less affectionate and the intimacy they once had will soon disappear, and that if the issue is not addressed, it can undermine the intimacy in the relationship which can lead to frustration, misunderstandings and sometimes even infidelity or divorce. For me the last two are not on the table (as earlier blog entries may attest), but our relationship certainly feels empty ... I feel like I am more like Nina's father than her husband ... and I am not sure I know what intimacy is any more.

She suggests that the biggest part of the problem is that the person who wants sex more almost always feels rejected by their partner. They may take it personally and begin to wonder if they are still attractive, not desired anymore, or maybe their partner has a lover. I don't wonder about the latter, but as many other posts will attest, feel like a failure for how my marriage and how our relationship is.

She says that when clients see her, when she asks them when the last time they had sex was, that they can't remember ... I do - it was 5th October ... 2009, and the time before was two years prior (and wasn't worth mentioning - I was basically told to hurry up and get on with /finish it). She says that if couples have sex less than 10 times a year, it's called a sexless relationship - that must put our relationship at the extreme end of this category!

She goes on to note that American author and family therapist Michelle Weiner-Davis gave a TED talk about the sex-starved marriage in which she states, "There is an unspoken and often unconscious expectation that the higher-desire partner must accept the no-sex verdict, not complain about it and remain monogamous", but that Weiner-Davis believes that this is an unfair and unworkable arrangement.

The article ends with the commentary that she doesn't tell her female clients, to just do it, but they often tell her that sometimes they just don't feel like having sex, they're not in the mood, but when they actually do it, they start enjoying it and are happy they instigated it. She suggests that there must be lots of things you do when you are in a relationship that you don't like doing or don't feel in the mood for - cooking tonight, doing the dishes, listening to your partner complaining about his or her work - but you do it because it's part of being a loving couple. So maybe trying a bit harder to get in the mood to have sex more often may improve your relationship.

Don't get me wrong ... I don't have the greatest libido ... and I feel like a worthless and inexperienced loser given my sexual history. I also wonder if our relationship has reached a point where having sex again would be an awkward failure ... but boy do I sometimes feel alone, empty, worthless, and like a pathetic failure.

Thoughts triggered by a present

It was my birthday recently ... among the gifts that Nina gave me was a 14 in 1 educational solar robot kit. A pretty cool present ... sort of.

I'd have loved it when I was younger (like in my early teens).

I'd have loved it if I had a young daughter or son to share it with.

But as things are, I just keep looking at it and wondering what I am meant to do with it.

Nina has made some enthusiastic comments to me that it has 14 different models to make, but that with some creativity, one could probably create other things. True ... but that is the sort of comment and encouragement that one would give to a younger child to encourage them to explore their own creativity and imagination. It is not really something to tell a middle-aged man ... and truth be told, it is perhaps a comment that I found slightly condescending (I know it wasn't intended as such).

I'm not going to make anything with this kit - I'm probably not even going to unwrap the plastic - it would just be more clutter that I don't need at the moment. I appreciate the thought - I truly do, but it also opened wounds of loss - loss of the ability to share such explorations with kids I never had and will never have.

Talk of being substitute parents

The other night Nina & I were talking about her nephew who is having some behavioural issues at the moment - issues that everyone is struggling to manage / understand / control. Many of these, we believe, relate to his mother, but that is another story.

Anyway, Nina suggested that we may need to look after him if nobody else could ... and asked if I would be OK with that ... I said yes, but didn't really feel like, if that push came to shove, I'd really have a choice in the matter.

Apart from the obvious and contradictory thoughts that we might be his only hope ... but what made us so cock-sure that we'd succeed where everyone else has failed, a different thought struck me like a rusty spiked blade through my heart ...

Nina didn't want to have kids ... she's always said she'd not be able to cope ... yet here she is suggesting (albeit, just the faintest whisper of a distant possibility) that maybe we'd have to look after her uncontrollable nephew ... and she'd be OK with that.

Nina didn't want to have kids because of how they'd impact her life ... because she couldn't cope ... yet now is suggesting the possibility (which I don't believe will happen) of us looking after a child who has prover to be uncontrollable by anyone, and to stress out the rest of her family. Does that make her fears about not coping with her own kids a convenient lie she has been telling to me (and herself)?

It may sound selfish, but I don't think she has any concept of how that thought makes me feel - almost like rubbing my nose in my own failure. I was never going to be good enough. My life is an empty failure.

The contradictions ached at me ... yet at the same time I felt selfish for feeling them ...