Another article about sex

There was a story in the paper today about Mismatched Libidos.

In the article, a sexual health therapist notes that with couples with mismatched libidos, as pursuer-distancer cycle often begins - it did for Nina and me until I worked out that my advances were not welcome and basically gave up  ... but in the process, distanced myself from her - limiting other acts of intimacy that suited her but made me feel more rejected and 'used'.

She goes on to say that the partner with the lower sex drive becomes the 'distancer' who tries to avoid sex with excuses and is reluctant to hug or kiss because it may lead to sex. I know for me it feels like any time I go to kiss Nina, her response is like a viper - a quick peck and a faster retreat.

She notes that as a result, the couple will communicate less, become less affectionate and the intimacy they once had will soon disappear, and that if the issue is not addressed, it can undermine the intimacy in the relationship which can lead to frustration, misunderstandings and sometimes even infidelity or divorce. For me the last two are not on the table (as earlier blog entries may attest), but our relationship certainly feels empty ... I feel like I am more like Nina's father than her husband ... and I am not sure I know what intimacy is any more.

She suggests that the biggest part of the problem is that the person who wants sex more almost always feels rejected by their partner. They may take it personally and begin to wonder if they are still attractive, not desired anymore, or maybe their partner has a lover. I don't wonder about the latter, but as many other posts will attest, feel like a failure for how my marriage and how our relationship is.

She says that when clients see her, when she asks them when the last time they had sex was, that they can't remember ... I do - it was 5th October ... 2009, and the time before was two years prior (and wasn't worth mentioning - I was basically told to hurry up and get on with /finish it). She says that if couples have sex less than 10 times a year, it's called a sexless relationship - that must put our relationship at the extreme end of this category!

She goes on to note that American author and family therapist Michelle Weiner-Davis gave a TED talk about the sex-starved marriage in which she states, "There is an unspoken and often unconscious expectation that the higher-desire partner must accept the no-sex verdict, not complain about it and remain monogamous", but that Weiner-Davis believes that this is an unfair and unworkable arrangement.

The article ends with the commentary that she doesn't tell her female clients, to just do it, but they often tell her that sometimes they just don't feel like having sex, they're not in the mood, but when they actually do it, they start enjoying it and are happy they instigated it. She suggests that there must be lots of things you do when you are in a relationship that you don't like doing or don't feel in the mood for - cooking tonight, doing the dishes, listening to your partner complaining about his or her work - but you do it because it's part of being a loving couple. So maybe trying a bit harder to get in the mood to have sex more often may improve your relationship.

Don't get me wrong ... I don't have the greatest libido ... and I feel like a worthless and inexperienced loser given my sexual history. I also wonder if our relationship has reached a point where having sex again would be an awkward failure ... but boy do I sometimes feel alone, empty, worthless, and like a pathetic failure.