What one dwells on drives how one feels

My last post was a little low - driven by my thoughts that I dwelt on.


Normally, those thoughts are further back in my mind - and while that doesn't leave me doing pirouettes and singing joyfully about how wonderful the world is, at least it hides / diminishes the pain and makes life feel more 'normal' (whatever that is).

Barely Sustainable

I let slip two things that I've not told anyone else last night, and they were both effectively dismissed. After one to two glasses of Champagne, Nina was being a little amorous (on a scale of 0-10, it was probably a 1 or 2, but that's better than a zero). Anyway, when I nudged for this to continue, I was rejected, so I backed off with a comment that I was a failure (first disclosure). Her response was a simple 'no you're not'. Bullshit! At around the same time (may have even been in the lead-up) she said that she had an erotic dream about me last night - that I was walking around in just a t-shirt. I responded that every time I have erotic dreams, they end in her rejecting me (second disclosure) - to which she responded 'oh, I'm sorry'.

 

Sitting on the couch together after dinner, the dog was playing with a ball, so I made the comment that Nina never played with my balls - at which point she grabbed them … but when I put my hand over her breasts she told me to stop assaulting her … I just moved to the other end of the couch. OK, maybe not the smoothest move, but anything vaguely intimate or sexual is met with rejection by the only person I've ever had sex with (yes, being a 34 year old virgin is one of my many failures in life).

 

I was flat for the rest of the night (still am, if I'm honest). When I was having a shower, she did something stupid to make me laugh, but then I just tuned out. I then fantasised (while I was having the shower) that Nina would be lying on the bed in some sexy lingerie in an attempt to make me feel better, and knew that if she was, though I'd appreciate the gesture, I'd also have to gracefully decline - much as I long for and ache for more intimacy, I don't want her to be with me out feeling sorry for me - I want the intimacy to be a mutually shared thing. When I got out, she was reading … as usual.

 

As I went to sleep feeling rejected and alone, she asked me if I was OK - 'Yes' I lied … with tears quietly rolling down my cheeks.

 

So yes, our marriage is totally lacking in any sexual intimacy - the last time we coupled was in 2009, and the time before that was 2007. Not only a virgin till my mid 30's, but with the exception of one sympathy play, also effectively a born-again virgin before I turned 40 - a big flashing 'failure' sign is goes off in my head every time I reflect on this.

 

I found myself asking a question during my shower this morning, and also during my walk into work - how can there be infidelity in a marriage if there is no fidelity. I know I am mixing up the definition a bit, but can there be unfaithfulness if there is no intimacy? No, I'm not about to go off and have an affair - I'm much more likely to end my failure of a life before then … except that act in itself would only compound my failures, and would devastate my parents causing them more despair than I could live (or die) with … even if some of my life failures may relate to how I interpreted the lessons of my upbringing (e.g. lessons like "your mother was my only girlfriend", and avoidance of being stirred for having any sort of an interest in a girl).

 

In spite of my ramblings, Nina is the most important person in my life, but I do still think about how we got here, and 'what if'. I remember when we first heard about her brother's marriage problems, that I though it sounded a bit like us (except for the unfaithfulness) … the feeling that Nina has checked out of the marriage is there. I remember when we were dating that my uncertainties (which I voiced) were both taken as being hurtful (not what I was intending, and have been replayed to me several times since), and were also dismissed as corruptions due to the fantasies of Hollywood. When I asked Nina to marry me, I felt like she was so certain about us that I ignored my uncertainties, but was afraid that she'd ask 'why' and that I'd not be able to give a satisfactory answer, except that we were so comfortable with each other. I also felt tied to her given our intimacy - how could I ever have sex with someone and then toss them to the side … to me, that intimacy symbolised a commitment and bond that shouldn't be disrespected.

 

Yes, I play 'what ifs' - what if Nina had left me (if I'd waited another two months to propose, she probably would have); what if an earlier person I'd been interested in hadn't been afraid to (in her words) 'train me' … or what if I didn't need 'training' in the first place; what if my parents had understood and respected my character better and positively impacted my understanding of relationships? If … any number of things … maybe my life would be different … maybe better / happier / more fulfilled / less of a failure … or maybe worse.

 

This blog is "beyond sustainable" because that is where I want to be - the needle is currently sitting at 'barely sustainable'.