No sense of self worth

In my previous post, I noted that what one dwells on influences how one feels. I was reflecting on this in the shower this morning - actually, I think I reflect on where I am and what I am feeling whenever I have a shower, walk alone, or go to sleep at night - but this morning I noted that as I have these still moments, I keep falling back to how much of a failure I feel my life is ... not a good thing to keep dwelling on.

Through these thoughts, I got to wondering why - there has always been something deeper yet intangible where I have felt that I'm not ready or deserving, something I couldn't properly put into words ... but then I had an epiphany of sorts.

My whole life ... at least my whole life since as far back as I can remember, I have always felt that I am not worthy. This may not be the perfect way of putting it, but it is the best way I have found so far.

Why would a girl want to go out with me - I am not worthy.

Why don't I tell Nina about all this (indirectly I do by writing this blog - hoping that one day she may read it, but then also worried about consequences if she does) - because I am not worthy of having my feelings considered (I tell myself that it is because I am concerned that she has enough to worry about ... but isn't this saying the same thing - that my feelings are not as important as hers ... that I'm not worthy).

At work I often feel like people are humouring me - I'm not worthy. When ever I have gone for a promotion, I never talk myself up, and am not surprised if I miss out - I'm not worthy. I can't understand how people seem to respect and have time for me - how are they seeing me as worthy when I don't?

I get a sense of fulfillment helping out others - I was reflecting during the day today that  this is because it gives me a sense of worth, however fleeting.

And not having kids - I've never been worthy of that (many years ago this may have been translated as too young / not ready, but this is another way of saying the same thing, and when Nina and I were discussing it, her needs naturally came above mine) ... and now it is too late ... and much as that hurts, I'm not worthy of anyone's sympathy for that.

I guess if I was to find / pursue any sort of self-improvement path, the best focus may be on finding a sense of self worth ... but maybe I'm not worthy of that.