RIP our beautiful boy

We had to euthanise one of our puppies this week.

We thought it was going to be on Saturday, so we braced ourselves, cried a bit, and carried him up to the vet for the final time. It wasn't really the vet we wanted, but to us it seemed that it was the right thing to do.

The vet talked about doing more blood tests (to check electrolytes, but then when she listened to his heart, she recognised that there wasn't really any point, but she suggested we take him home, give him lots of cuddles, try to feed him some chicken and rice, and bring him back on Monday.

On Monday we were able to get an appointment at 9:00am with one of the two vets Nina preferred, so we carried our little boy home and loved him for another two days.

On Saturday, Nina spent the day on the couch with him (I had a commitment to help her brother move some stuff), and while I was out, her mum joined her.

During the day on Saturday, over the whole day, we managed to feed him a single chicken breast - something he ordinarily loved ... and he loved eating it (in tiny bits), but still struggled, and wouldn't countenance eating anything else. When he went out to drink he often just sat looking at the water trying to decide if he could handle drinking, but didn't really want any juice from when we poached the chicken (which we offered as an alternative).

On Saturday night, I think we sat together on the couch with him, just patting him and holding him near.

On Sunday, it was my turn to keep him company (Nina had a family commitment) - I sat there watching documentaries, with him sitting beside me and leaning into me the way he always did, but it was also a little different - he was so much more tired, and as a result, he was just that bit floppier / heavier, and his head rested more on me. I sat there all day patting / stroking him and giving him as much love as I could.

We weren't very hungry on Sunday night, and he ate nothing on Sunday apart from a couple of small slivers of pepper infused cheese - he loved this, but had literally no more than a taste of it.

On Sunday night after we all went to bed, he was restless, so Nina decided to take him downstairs and sleep with him on the couch - that way he could easily go outside if he wanted to (all weekend he was wanting to toilet every 2-3 hours). She said that he lay on top of her and she cuddled him most of the night - this was special for her ... and he was certainly her very very special puppy. Throughout his life, he shadowed her everywhere - he always had to be with her, sitting on the back of her chair while she was working at her desk, or sitting where he could keep an eye on her when she was anywhere else in the house. From the moment he first saw him (before we purchased him), he had decided that she was his for the keeping.

On Monday morning we cuddled him some more, got the other puppies to say good bye (not that they really understood), took countless last photos, gave him a final tour of the house, and then carried him off for his very last visit to the vet.

When we arrived at the vet, they were ready for us and showed us straight into the consultation room, and laid a towel on the table for him to sit / lie on.

After a brief check of his heart and an explanation of what was happening to him (the muscle fibres that help operate the heart valve had begun failing, causing an irregular heart beat ... he already had a massively enlarged heart due to degenerative mitral valve disease). He was not going to get any better. The vet asked about his hip dysplasia - he had about 15% on one side and nothing on the other - he had long felt that that would cause him more problems as he aged, but he remained strong to the end - something that the vet loved so much about him - this was a dog that never seemed to feel pain, and had such a unique personality. The vet then explained that he would see if he felt he could find a good vein, and if not he would give some anesthetic first so that there would be no stress when giving the needle. The anesthetic was not needed.

Our beautiful and stoic boy didn't even flinch as the needle went in ... and as that green fluid entered his body he just slowly lowered his head for the last time, with Nina on one side of him stroking him gently and me on the other. When the vet had finished, he lay there, eyes open ... neither alive nor dead, the two of us still caressing him gently. The vet then checked his heart and told him that it had stopped beating - he was dead ... but he looked so peaceful, and alive ... he was obviously still warm ... his eyes were open as if he was still watching us. Sleep peacefully our beautiful boy.

Our puppy's passing has left us with broken hearts. It even brought tears to the vet's eyes - that must be the hardest part of the job!

Since then, it's been like we've been walking a tight-rope across a chasm of despair. It doesn't take much to set either of us off. For me it is a thought that lingers too long, or seeing Nina crying about it ... or even thinking about how upset she must be ... and writing this has been interrupted on several occasions as the sorrow gets the better of me.

I don't think the other puppies realise that their companion is ever coming back.

On Monday night, Nina and I say in bed listing all the unique characteristics that we saw in our puppy - it was somewhat cathartic, but also very sad and happy at the same time.

I don't know how long it will take for the pain to pass and for this well of tears to run dry. It has been a challenge for me at work this morning, and Nina has just called to say that she can't be at home alone, can't concentrate on study or work, and is off to her parents.

Our beautiful puppy, the little character as you were, thank you for being you and sharing you short eight years with us ... we'll miss you. Rest in peace.