It's an anniversary of sorts tonight - it has been 7 years since I last enjoyed sexual intimacy with my wife, Nina. As I've noted many times before, this is just one of the things that leaves me feeling like a failure. Last night, Nina indicated that she just doesn't enjoy sex - this from the same person who once assured me that women do like sex ... the only conclusion I can draw is that she doesn't like sex *** with me *** ... because I was never any good at it - I was a failure in bed and that's something I'm stuck with.

So, 7 years ago, we broke a two year drought - I think Nina was feeling sorry for me - I think I'd noted that it had been more than two years and how rejected I felt after the last time. I appreciated the consideration, and it was an infinitely better memory than the previous time, but a single sympathy fuck is not what I long for.

A little over two years before that, I picked Nina up from work and we had dinner out. She was in a good mood and was quite hyped up ... of course after she had some wine she became even more so.  We had a good time and she seemed to be quite happy. When we got home, we had sex, but she seemed to be only going through the motions, and wasn't really into it. Indeed, I think at one stage, seeing how she was, I asked her if she wanted me to stop and she semi-abruptly told me to just keep going - almost like she was telling me to just hurry up and finish.

About two months before that, I was feeling rather flat - especially as I felt at the time like I was left to do everything (I think she does a lot more than me these days), I felt neglected, and I felt as if Nina had already doomed our marriage to failure - at least in substance, if not in totality. That night we went down to my parents place to dinner - as seemed common at the time, with my parents' influence, Nina drank more than she wanted to, and she seemed to enjoy herself down there. On the drive home, she was singing Abba songs at the top of her voice, and was openly admitting to being drunk. When we got home, I initiated sex, and she consented, but really wasn't in it at all - she just lay there unresponsively - not a particularly flattering experience. Afterwards, I noted that it was our first dalliance wince we purchased the new mattress ... she responded that that she didn't note these things any longer.

Another month or two before that it was our third wedding anniversary - Nina got me a book and some chocolates, and I got her a old-style leather diary / notebook. We had a nice breakfast at the place where we were staying in the Daylesford area, and we chatted for a while with the other guests. We then went touring - initially up to Bendigo (stopping at the Chocolate Mill on the way).
 Nina was in a bit of a grumpy mood / was a bit out of it during the morning, and while we were touring around, she didn't really feel inspired to see anything. After stopping in at the Bendigo Pottery, we went to a book shop and then kept driving - we headed for Maldon for lunch - it was a lovely old town, and we took some photos. We kept driving, heading back to Daylesford via Maryborough & Clunes (which Nina thought was a lovely looking town, and which we later found out had a large 2nd hand book fair about a couple of months earlier). We enjoyed dinner at a place we'd been to the previous night - Nina enjoyed the ambiance of the place as well as the food. We chatted over dinner - about us and about our relationship - Nina sees herself as more of the man (aren't men stereotypically the ones who want more sex?) in the relationship, and doesn't feel the same need for intimacy as I do (her definition of intimacy is chatting over dinner, whereas I feel the need for something more physical) - she indicated that physical intimacy just doesn't have any place for her any more, or so she seemed to be saying - it seemed to me hearing this that maybe it has served its role and no longer served any useful purpose for her. She also made some comment that the sort of sex that she is into is nasty - something that she didn't elaborate on. When we got back to the place we were staying, Nina lit the candles and we had a romantic time in bed - after sex, we lay there chatting for quite a while. This may have been the last good sex we had - appropriate that it was on our wedding anniversary ... but it is also sad thinking back on it that after just 3 short years of marriage maybe our sex life was over.

I want to be at one with Nina as an act of intimacy - I feel empty inside after 7 years of marital celibacy (effectively it is probably more than 9 years). I want her to want to make love to me ... not because she feels obliged or bad or sorry for me, but because she enjoys it and because she loves me. I am often left asking myself What karmic curse have I triggered to end up like this. I wonder why am I left feeling guilty even thinking about wanting to share intimacy with my wife ... and why am I left feeling like I've committed some form of assault if I even hint anything about sex.

Back to the present, I rolled over to give Nina a cuddle last night after she said she was cold ... she then said she wasn't that cold ... so I rolled back over and shed a quiet and lonely tear and lamented my 7 years of celibacy.