Tonight passes another (artificial) milestone symbolising my failure - it has been ...
3,333 days since my wife, Nina, and I last had sex.
3,333 days of me reflecting, every single day, on what a pathetic person I must be.
3,333 days of me seeing over and over again what a loser I must be for even suggesting or hinting at anything sexual with my wife
3,333 days of me feeling guilty for wanting intimate sexual relations with her.
3,333 days of me wishing we could somehow reboot our sexual relationship from scratch.
3,333 days of me reflecting on what a failure I must be for not being able to please her sexually.
3,333 days of me reflecting on her telling me that of course women enjoy sex, but then seeing that she doesn't enjoy it with me (ergo I must be really bad at it).
3,333 days of me conscious that she says it is about her needing her space and not liking to be touched, but not able to believe that it doesn't really say more about me.
3,333 days of me trying to balance thoughts of that if she cared about me then she'd like to in acts to please me ... and feeling equally guilty for such selfish thoughts.
3,333 days of me feeling some resentment when I'd asked to draw on her back - feeling like it is all give and no receiving, but knowing that any comment will prompt an angry response.
3,333 days of me wondering where I went wrong and wishing I had somehow learnt better about being in a relationship and pleasing my partner.
3,333 days of me feeling that I can't even look at my wife without her getting upset with or suspicious of me (if only I'd learnt how to look at a woman!).
3,333 days of increasing emptiness and loneliness - to the point that, if given another chance at an intimate sexual relationship, I'm not sure I'd know how to even start.
3,333 days of me seeing my life as totally worthless.
3,333 days of an eternity of pain and emptiness and feeling like I've proven myself again and again to be a pathetic loser ... as this post probably proves.
... and then I reflect that 3,333 days ago it was a 'sympathy fuck' because more than 2 years earlier when we were having sex, she told me just to hurry up and get it over and done with.
More than 14 years of marriage and the sex stopped after about the first 3 years ... and now I'm even blogging about it - how pathetic am I!!!
Tuesday, 20 November 2018
Sunday, 9 September 2018
Watching the waves roll past
Nina's getting quite down again - I'm worried but don't know how to respond.
This morning while walking the dog, she talked about her fear about not being able to successfully complete the next unit as my family are planning a family holiday that will occur around the time one of her assignments is likely to be due.
This then rolled into her not liking the idea of going on family holidays, and then that my family was uncaring when it comes to the environment, consumerism, etc., and in particular as the now proposed holiday is to Borneo and that ecotourism isn't necessarily good (e.g. Orangutans may be harmed by it and would be better left along ... even though tourism potentially helps to save them). This then flowed to Antarctic tourism, and that if she went, it couldn't be as a tourist - it would have to be with a particular purpose as part of a scientific mission.
She then talked about how she'll be happy once I die (if I go before her) because she'll be able to withdraw from society and live and die alone (even though half her anguish is probably because she feels alone). She went on to say that she was going to cut-off all her friends as they only ever contact her when they want something ... but they spend much more time with their other friends ... and her "friends" have always done that to her.
She highlighted that once our puppy (who's now 5) dies, and if we don't have another dog, then that is when she will end it ... so in her words, she has 5-10 years left.
She went on to say that maybe she'll have a lot to drink and have a bath and 'see what happens'.
Oh, and yesterday, she was explosive while doing some painting ... indicating that she can't paint, she's a fraud, she doesn't even know why she's doing the course she's doing, that the course was the easiest one she could find to prove she could handle it, etc. Her fiery outbursts caused our puppy to climb up on me for security / comfort.
She's tried seeing a psychiatrist, but hasn't continued (and tends to hide half the terrors, I suspect), so I don't know how to help her ... indeed, I'm not sure I can.
I wish I knew how to respond to rants like this ... buy all I can do as I type this is let out a big sigh as I think about it.
This morning while walking the dog, she talked about her fear about not being able to successfully complete the next unit as my family are planning a family holiday that will occur around the time one of her assignments is likely to be due.
This then rolled into her not liking the idea of going on family holidays, and then that my family was uncaring when it comes to the environment, consumerism, etc., and in particular as the now proposed holiday is to Borneo and that ecotourism isn't necessarily good (e.g. Orangutans may be harmed by it and would be better left along ... even though tourism potentially helps to save them). This then flowed to Antarctic tourism, and that if she went, it couldn't be as a tourist - it would have to be with a particular purpose as part of a scientific mission.
She then talked about how she'll be happy once I die (if I go before her) because she'll be able to withdraw from society and live and die alone (even though half her anguish is probably because she feels alone). She went on to say that she was going to cut-off all her friends as they only ever contact her when they want something ... but they spend much more time with their other friends ... and her "friends" have always done that to her.
She highlighted that once our puppy (who's now 5) dies, and if we don't have another dog, then that is when she will end it ... so in her words, she has 5-10 years left.
She went on to say that maybe she'll have a lot to drink and have a bath and 'see what happens'.
Oh, and yesterday, she was explosive while doing some painting ... indicating that she can't paint, she's a fraud, she doesn't even know why she's doing the course she's doing, that the course was the easiest one she could find to prove she could handle it, etc. Her fiery outbursts caused our puppy to climb up on me for security / comfort.
She's tried seeing a psychiatrist, but hasn't continued (and tends to hide half the terrors, I suspect), so I don't know how to help her ... indeed, I'm not sure I can.
I wish I knew how to respond to rants like this ... buy all I can do as I type this is let out a big sigh as I think about it.
Sunday, 2 September 2018
I'd have made a good Dad ...
... if only I hadn't proven to be such a failure as a male of the species.
Happy Fathers' Day to me ... not.
Happy Fathers' Day to me ... not.
Thursday, 5 July 2018
RIP our beautiful girl
Our puppy breathed her last breath at 4am yesterday morning.
She lasted 2 years longer than her brother but ultimately her heart failed her, but unlike him, she died naturally at home with Nina and I watching over her.
At about 2:45 yesterday morning, we noticed that she was breathing shallowly and quickly, and after each giving her some attention, Nina got up and moved her to a chair and sat with her, and I quickly joined the two of them. Together, Nina and I gently stroked our little girl, giving her as much love as she could, and she just lay there receiving the fuss, but barely able to respond. Eventually, at almost exactly 4am, she rolled onto her side took her last breath and her heart stopped.
Having lost her sibling 2 years ago, we didn't really want to have to take our little girl to the vet for 'the green dream' - she never realy liked needles, and such a visit may have been traumatising for her for a final vet visit, so taking her last breaths peacefully at home was the best way that she could have gone out.
The night before she'd eaten a full dinner (being hand fed as she had more or less demanded for months), and after dinner enjoyed a dog treat ... and after we'd eaten our dinner, an additional few little pieces of lamb backstrap which she loved. For the rest of the night she sat on the couch with me as she did almost every night while I watched some TV - she first sat on my lap facing me as I paid her some attention, and then lay on my lap facing the TV while she got more fuss, before finally lying between me and our lab (who was about half her age) and again enjoying fuss.
As I write this Nina has just shown me a poem that has welled up some of the sorrow that I feel on her passing ... but Nina is taking it much harder - at different times of the day she feels the loss more - the emptiness, the passing of time - the anxiety of life and death.
Back to the night before she passed, after watching TV, I made her go outside for a drink (she drank so much water!) and then carried her up to our bedroom where she slept ... but she wanted to go up to Nina's studio (where she usually started the night), so I took her up the extra flight of stairs. When I left her there she looked at me as if to say 'well, aren't you going to stay' ... again as she always did.
During the night I heard her go outside a couple of times and since she has died have wondered if she struggled to get up the stairs one last time ... if that pushed her too far, and whether she used the last of her strength to be with us at the end.
I miss her so - I may not show it much or often, but at times it really catches me.
I am comforted by the fact that she had a good life, and that she got a chance to be her self a little more after her brother died (even though she may still have had to compete with our lab).
She lasted 2 years longer than her brother but ultimately her heart failed her, but unlike him, she died naturally at home with Nina and I watching over her.
At about 2:45 yesterday morning, we noticed that she was breathing shallowly and quickly, and after each giving her some attention, Nina got up and moved her to a chair and sat with her, and I quickly joined the two of them. Together, Nina and I gently stroked our little girl, giving her as much love as she could, and she just lay there receiving the fuss, but barely able to respond. Eventually, at almost exactly 4am, she rolled onto her side took her last breath and her heart stopped.
Having lost her sibling 2 years ago, we didn't really want to have to take our little girl to the vet for 'the green dream' - she never realy liked needles, and such a visit may have been traumatising for her for a final vet visit, so taking her last breaths peacefully at home was the best way that she could have gone out.
The night before she'd eaten a full dinner (being hand fed as she had more or less demanded for months), and after dinner enjoyed a dog treat ... and after we'd eaten our dinner, an additional few little pieces of lamb backstrap which she loved. For the rest of the night she sat on the couch with me as she did almost every night while I watched some TV - she first sat on my lap facing me as I paid her some attention, and then lay on my lap facing the TV while she got more fuss, before finally lying between me and our lab (who was about half her age) and again enjoying fuss.
As I write this Nina has just shown me a poem that has welled up some of the sorrow that I feel on her passing ... but Nina is taking it much harder - at different times of the day she feels the loss more - the emptiness, the passing of time - the anxiety of life and death.
Back to the night before she passed, after watching TV, I made her go outside for a drink (she drank so much water!) and then carried her up to our bedroom where she slept ... but she wanted to go up to Nina's studio (where she usually started the night), so I took her up the extra flight of stairs. When I left her there she looked at me as if to say 'well, aren't you going to stay' ... again as she always did.
During the night I heard her go outside a couple of times and since she has died have wondered if she struggled to get up the stairs one last time ... if that pushed her too far, and whether she used the last of her strength to be with us at the end.
I miss her so - I may not show it much or often, but at times it really catches me.
I am comforted by the fact that she had a good life, and that she got a chance to be her self a little more after her brother died (even though she may still have had to compete with our lab).
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