3,333 days of marital celebacy

Tonight passes another (artificial) milestone symbolising my failure - it has been ...

3,333 days since my wife, Nina, and I last had sex.

3,333 days of me reflecting, every single day, on what a pathetic person I must be.

3,333 days of me seeing over and over again what a loser I must be for even suggesting or hinting at anything sexual with my wife

3,333 days of me feeling guilty for wanting intimate sexual relations with her.

3,333 days of me wishing we could somehow reboot our sexual relationship from scratch.

3,333 days of me reflecting on what a failure I must be for not being able to please her sexually.

3,333 days of me reflecting on her telling me that of course women enjoy sex, but then seeing that she doesn't enjoy it with me (ergo I must be really bad at it).

3,333 days of me conscious that she says it is about her needing her space and not liking to be touched, but not able to believe that it doesn't really say more about me.

3,333 days of me trying to balance thoughts of that if she cared about me then she'd like to in acts to please me ... and feeling equally guilty for such selfish thoughts.

3,333 days of me feeling some resentment when I'd asked to draw on her back - feeling like it is all give and no receiving, but knowing that any comment will prompt an angry response.

3,333 days of me wondering where I went wrong and wishing I had somehow learnt better about being in a relationship and pleasing my partner.

3,333 days of me feeling that I can't even look at my wife without her getting upset with or suspicious of me (if only I'd learnt how to look at a woman!).

3,333 days of increasing emptiness and loneliness - to the point that, if given another chance at an intimate sexual relationship, I'm not sure I'd know how to even start.

3,333 days of me seeing my life as totally worthless.

3,333 days of an eternity of pain and emptiness and feeling like I've proven myself again and again to be a pathetic loser ... as this post probably proves.

... and then I reflect that 3,333 days ago it was a 'sympathy fuck' because more than 2 years earlier when we were having sex, she told me just to hurry up and get it over and done with.

More than 14 years of marriage and the sex stopped after about the first 3 years ... and now I'm even blogging about it - how pathetic am I!!!